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"What couples complain about?!"
In my psychology practice, I often hear couples complain about the areas in their lives that have changed dramatically since the children were born. One thing many couples miss is the friendship within their relationship. Prior to having children, the couple only have themselves to consider. Suddenly the inclusion of a dependent new baby causes all this to change. It's easy for one Or both partners to feel that they have 'lost their best friend', because that person now seems preoccupied with the baby's needs. Intimacy and sex in the relationship are also often neglected due to lack of time, sleep deprivation and general lack of energy. This can lead to feelings of rejection and resentment- people express that they now feel lonely in the relationship. There may be a belief that "things will get better by themselves", but if you want to see real improvement you need to work on developing the skills required to resolve conflict, and regain emotional intimacy (See box below for strategies). Unrealistic expectations:~~ Having a child means enormous change in everyone's life. Changes- even good ones like starting a family- can involve grief. For some men, having a first child can involve a sense of loss, as they go from being part of a couple to watching as their partner develops a new, intimate relationship with their child. These feelings can be overwhelming to a new father, as he might feel confused and even ashamed of being jealous of his own baby, Consequently he may feel he can't talk to anyone about it. 'Susan Maushart', author of "The Mask of Motherhood". How mothering changes everything and why we pretend it doesn't (Vintage, 1977), says~~ "When a woman becomes a mother, her relationships, professional identity and her sense of self will never be the same again". "The fact is, the presence of children does not simply add to the lives of their parents, it transforms those lives completely. The precise nature of this transformation remains one of the best- kept secrets of contemporary adult life, shrouded in a conspiracy of silence". If we consider that women today are having children at a later age, traditional support like extended family members is often not available. And if we subscribe to the media- led idea that mothers can be "Super- women", it's no wonder that women today may be confused about the realities of becoming a parent.
In my psychology practice, I often hear couples complain about the areas in their lives that have changed dramatically since the children were born. One thing many couples miss is the friendship within their relationship. Prior to having children, the couple only have themselves to consider. Suddenly the inclusion of a dependent new baby causes all this to change. It's easy for one Or both partners to feel that they have 'lost their best friend', because that person now seems preoccupied with the baby's needs. Intimacy and sex in the relationship are also often neglected due to lack of time, sleep deprivation and general lack of energy. This can lead to feelings of rejection and resentment- people express that they now feel lonely in the relationship. There may be a belief that "things will get better by themselves", but if you want to see real improvement you need to work on developing the skills required to resolve conflict, and regain emotional intimacy (See box below for strategies). Unrealistic expectations:~~ Having a child means enormous change in everyone's life. Changes- even good ones like starting a family- can involve grief. For some men, having a first child can involve a sense of loss, as they go from being part of a couple to watching as their partner develops a new, intimate relationship with their child. These feelings can be overwhelming to a new father, as he might feel confused and even ashamed of being jealous of his own baby, Consequently he may feel he can't talk to anyone about it. 'Susan Maushart', author of "The Mask of Motherhood". How mothering changes everything and why we pretend it doesn't (Vintage, 1977), says~~ "When a woman becomes a mother, her relationships, professional identity and her sense of self will never be the same again". "The fact is, the presence of children does not simply add to the lives of their parents, it transforms those lives completely. The precise nature of this transformation remains one of the best- kept secrets of contemporary adult life, shrouded in a conspiracy of silence". If we consider that women today are having children at a later age, traditional support like extended family members is often not available. And if we subscribe to the media- led idea that mothers can be "Super- women", it's no wonder that women today may be confused about the realities of becoming a parent.
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