Just random thoughts..... {4}

There are some things that I must apologize to you for in advance..... I will be irrational. I will not know the right answers and when I do I might not take heed. I will be selfish. I will make you feel bad about the situation. I apologize. I have no one else to share my angst with. I have no one else to be bipolar with. I have no one else to lay these heavy burdens on. I'm sorry that you are that designated person but that's a part of our love for each other. Feel free to do the same to me. I may catch myself, putting too much on you and I may have to apologize again. Be forewarned. There will be nights where I cry. There will be days where we have the same conversation twice. I will talk circles around you, trying to rationalize our situation. I apologize in advance. Just know, you are the love of my life. The best and realest thing to happen to me in my 33 years of living. Thank you for that. I will love you past forever. I know you will do the same thing. This is not a plea, Or a statement of any new facts. This is a reiteration of the same things. This is just another way for me to declare my forbidden, unrequited love for you!!!! ~~~~THE END~~~~

Just random thoughts.... {3}

You know that. I am not writing to tell you that my love is better than hers. You are fully aware of that. I am writing to tell you that I know as well as you do that our love is confusing, difficult, forbidden even. But it is oh so natural. it is the realest thing in both our lives. And though I know you know all this I feel the need to write it here for you. I constantly feel the need to reiterate the fact that our feelings are a formidable force, not because I think you will forget but because that's the only solid thing for me to hold on to in this situation where the foundation of my whole existence as I know it is crumbling under my feet. TO BE CONTINUED

Just random thoughts.... {2}

They love us the best way they know how. We love each other the way we need to be loved. It's a different kind of love; a better type of love; the love that many people crave but few are fortunate enough to say they found. She can't love you the way I do, cuz my love for you is custom--made. It fits perfectly in that space in your heart reserved for "the one". I am your "one!" But I am not writing to convince you that I am your everything. TO BE CONTINUED

Just random thoughts... {1}

I'm going through a number of situations right now that are all tied up within each other.... I'm pretty triflin! I'll be the first to admit it. But at the same time, I can't help the way I feel. I can't help who I fell in love with, if I could I would not be in this situation because I absolutely would not have chosen someone who was already taken. Unfortunately my heart has the last say and it chose one that it wasn't necessarily allowed to choose. I have a way of making my emotions incredibly poetic though...... This may be hard to follow without all the facts surrounding this predicament I find myself in, but the feelings will be clearly conveyed..... TO BE CONTINUED

The "L" Word...

OK, so I was thinking about the 'L' word lately and I'm the kind of person that when things are uncomfortable for me, I tend to push it away until I'm ready to deal with it. I've been doing that a lot lately. I have a lot of unexplored feelings floating arounf. The feelings try to come to the surface but I'm SO not ready for all of that mushy stuff so I push them way way down deep inside me. I DO NOT think I'm in love right now but "sigh" um, I think that I really really really am intrigued with someone. And it's so scary but exciting and all kinds of things all jumbled together and twisted in knots. I'm so afraid that I will get duped by another little word called infatuation. The I word is so easily mixed up with the 'L' word..... so I just have to be real careful. Somehow, though, I don't think that will happen. I'm taking my time to get to know me. I'm taking things real slow. I'm being very careful.....But I'm SO EXCITED!!!!

The "L" Word....

"Love is a feeling you feel when you feel you're feeling a feeling you never felt before". I used to say that all the time, until I realized that I had felt a spark with a couple people before and that was definitely nowhere near love. The problem with the word love is that we use it to apply to so many emotions Or situation that we sometimes don't even know what it means. So, what is it? What is this thing called love? I've been asking myself that for a while now, I'm kind of in a stage where I'm longing for a special companion. But I'm in this somewhat confusing stage. I don't kmow what's going on with me because normally I'm OCD when it comes to knowing about myself. But now I'm so scatter brained and I don't know what's happening to me. Sometimes I'm freaking out...... like WHOA shay..... and other times I'm calm, cool, and collected. This stage is so weird to me, the feelings, but I don't want to focus on the emotional side of it because there is so much more to it {but I'm not gonna go into it because it's WAY too complicated}. .........TO BE CONTINUED

Without Dreamland, I Crash....

How awful it is to know that you just suck. Even for musicians. Who according to Egan, seek to find fault, fix it and look for more, I am incapable of being a true musician. I am incapable of fixing it and producing new and improved beauty from what once was a sqeaky flaw. No matter how much I want to try Or I think I try. I instinctively hold back and when I give all thought I could, it falls short. It wasn't enough. I lack the fast fingers to run across the board, and the virtuoso arm to direct all of my emotion to the instrumment. I am just mediocre and I just don't physically fit the criteria. Do I even sit correctly? I can't play correctly. I feel the beat but it is randomly lost, and I lost any hope of the long run. That long run that stretches out far. Where at the end is the sign that says Congrats. "You don't suck at this anymore". "Now move on--isn't within my grasp. And I think I am musically incompetent, stylistically deficient, and so I cannot expect to build the mold of musician if it lacks the proper foundation". And that is the truth. Not that I care. Not that it's my career choice. Not that the 3rd grade dreams of playing in a symphony were ever destined to sprout into tangible possibilities. Not that my sister never doubted me anyway. Not that I never knew. But sometimes, I wish I did not know. Maybe I would go for that impossible long run if I didn't know I couldn't make it. And I would be happier living the lie.

They would be fantastic:)

A kiss can mean so many things: that you love the person, you want to be with them forever, Or that you simply want to be in their pants. Of course, a combination of the three is always best. I don't know what it is about you, Maybe it's the way nothing else matters when we're talking. Or how you "make" me "simle" more than anyone else has: it could be the way that you say the exact right thing & exactly the right time but whatever it is, I just want you to know that it means everything to me. Friends aren't supposed to get jealous when you meet a new guy, they're supposed to ask if he has a brother. "Friendship--is when you can say one word and crack up & no one else, will ever understand it." A day without a friends is like a pot of honey without a single drop in it. He looked at me & my heart melted; you don't tell me that wasn't love, because I felt it.

It hard to remember how it felt before...

It hard to remember how it felt before.... Now I found the love of my life. Passes things, get more comfortable. Everything is going right. And after all the obstacles. It's good to see you now with someone else. And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends. After all that we've been through. I know we're cool. I know we're cool. We used to think it was impossible. Now you call me by my new last name. Memories seem like so long ago. Time always kills the pain. Remember 'Harbor Boulevard'. The dreaming days where the mess was made. Look how all the kids have grown, oh. We have changed but we're still the same. After all that we've been through I know we're cool. I know we're cool. Yeah, I know we're cool. And I'll be happy for you, If you can be happy for me. Circles and triangles And now we're hanging out with your new friend. So far from where we've been I know we're cool. I know we're cool.

IF your lucky in life, you'll meet...

IF your lucky in life, you'll meet someone who you will never forget. Someone so special that time itself is the only thing you're worried about running out of. being able to be with this person is your only concern. and nothing else seems to matter. and most of all, you never want to think about losing them. this is what you live for. It was hard to let go. because when I was around him, it was just me. I didn't have to be anyone but myself. People like that are hard to find. and I think once we lost those people "We're afraid" We'd never find them again. Life is the art of drawing, without the eraser. all those memories we share, I cherish every one of them. {I wish I could belong to something......} ~~~ As easily as something can belong to me. Off--plan today. Don't ask. I'm having a rough time. I just want to lay in a different part of my brain and float through the invisible dreamspace. Be carried on the backs of fuzzy thoughts, as if I were looking at them through frosted glass. Drift behind the silver. Screens of my eyelids and replay the old times again and again Innocence, freedom, purity. No preconceptions. The virginity of youth A wonderful memory. I am depressed, and I don't want to be.

Reality

Met you by surprise I didn't realize. That my life would change forever. Saw you standing there I didn't know I'd care. There was something special in the air. Dreams are my reality. The only kind of real fantasy. Illusions are a common thing. I try to live in dreams. It seems as it's meant to be. Dreams are my reality. A different kind of reality. I dream of loving in the night. And loving seems alright. Although it's only fantasy. If you do exist honey don't resist. Show me what you do. I feel something special about you. Dreams are my reality. The only kind of reality. Maybe my foolishness is past. And maybe now at last. I'll see how the real thing can be. Dreams are my reality. A wonderous world where I like to be. I dream of holding you all night. And holding you seems right. Perhaps that's my reality. Met you by surprise I didn't realise. That my love would change forever. Tell me that it's true feeling that are new. I feel something special about you. Dreams are my reality. A wonderous world where I like to be. Illusions are a common thing I try to live in dreams. Although it's only fantasy. Dreams are my reality I like to dream of you close to me. I dream of loving in the night. And loving you seems right. Perhaps that's my reality.

Because You Live...

Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart. It's the end of the world in my mind. Then your voice pulls me back. Like a wake up call. I've been looking for the answer somewhere. I couldn't see that it was right here. But now I know what I didn't know. Because you live, and breathe Because you make me believe in myself When nobody else could help. Because you live, My world has twice as many stars in the sky. It's alright I survived I'm alive again. Cause of you made it through every storm. What is life What's the use if you're killing time? I'm so glad I found an angel somewhere, I couldn't see that it was right here. But now I know what I didn't know. Because you live, and breathe Because you make me believe in myself. When nobody else could help Because you live, My world has twice as many stars in the sky Because you live there's a reason why I carry on when I lose a fight. I want to give what you've given me always. Because you live, and breathe Because you make me believe in myself When nobody else could help Because you live, My world has twice as many stars in the sky. Because you live, and breathe Because you make me believe in myself. When nobody else could help Because you live, My world has everything I need to survive.....

Why me?

Why do I have to choose between my friendship with you and my friendship with someone else? Why don't you tell me anything lately? WHY? Why do I have to tell you shit when you don't tell me shit. Explain how this is fair to you. I don't get it. do you? I don't want to risk losing our friendship, but if you're going to be like that......ugh! I really don't want us to not be friends?! I want us to be friends. how hard is that?