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And that's when I realized that sadness and pain really is inevitable--it will be present at every moment of your life. It just depends on how much importance you decide to give it. On how much you decide to let it overtake your life and rule the person who you are. Maybe I have changed since middle school, even though it's only been two years. Maybe I was right in thinking that I've become a bit more cynical and jaded. Maybe I was right in thinking that I've lost a little bit of faith. But, no matter what I think, underneath my past experiences and the people I once knew and loved.....and lost......underneath all those things that follow me wherever I go--all that pain I carry with me--I will still ALWAYS be me. Sometimes, I guess, it's just eacy to lose yourself in the the clutter and the accumulation of sadness and experience and wisdom. What made me really realize that was when I looked up from finding "Those You've Known" from Sring Awakening on my iPod just in time to see Tim fly past me with his dog. I was shocked and in wonder that the two of us, who haven't seen each other since my Sophomore year of middle school, just happened to walk past each other at the same exact moment in time, on the same exact street, on the same exact of the sidewalk. What are the chances of that? And I looked at him--and I'm not joking about this--a huge gust of wind blew through the air, he stopped, and turned around and proceeded to walk a little ways behind me......and I was suddenly filled with this feeling--this familiar emotion. The same youthful, hopeful, excited emotion that, at one point, I wore on my sleeve day and night. I still believe that someone up there was sending me some kind of reminder. A reminder of myself. Of who I once was. Who I've been wishing I could become again. And of who, I realized, I still am. I'm a true believer in the fact that our souls never die, and they never change drastically during our lifetime. I think that we are who we are from birth. And that maybe we go on this life journey of experiences and meet certain people who affect us, not to figure out who we are. Because I think we already are everything we're ever going to be from the very beginning. I think we are mace to go through all those things to first, show us who we are--maybe that's what it actually means when people say they want to discover, Or find, themeslves--so that we know and understand ourselves--and second, for whoever created us and our souls to explain to us why we were made to be the person that we are. I think that's why we're all given a role in society and in our families and our lives. And I think that's why people are constantly trying to define who they are by what career they choose. I think we're all just looking for a reason as to why we are who we are and why we, being the person we are, are here on earth. As if to find out why we were given the souls, Or selves, that we were. I lost myself a lot here. Especially lately. But every now and then, I'm shown something that reminds me of my original self--the self that I will always be. And even though I may have lost some of my faith in certain things--and lost a little bit of myself on occasion--over time, the one thing I will always have faith in is that there will always be reminders of who I am everywhere I look. Because, even if they don't appear in person every once in a while on the street with their dog, they will still always walk behind me wherever I go. Those you've known, And lost, still walk behind you. All alone, They linger till they find you. Without them, The world grows dark around you. And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you. Those you've pained. Maybe carry that still with them. All the same, They whisper:"All forgiven". Still your heart says, The shadows bring the startlight. And everything you've ever been is still there in the dark night. When the northem wind blows The sorrows your heart holds, There are those who still know--They're still home. We're still home. Though you know. You've left them far behind. You walk on by yourself and not with them. Still you know They will fill your heart and mind When they say there's a way through this. Those you're known, And lost, still walk behind you. All alone Their song still seems to find you. They call you, As if you knew their longing--They whistle through the lonely wind, the long blue shadows falling. All alone But still I hear their yearning Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning. The stars too They tell of spring returning--And summer with another wind that no one yet has known. They call me--Through all things--Night's falling But somehow I go on. You watch me, Just watch me. I'm calling From longing When the northern wind blows The sorrows your heart's known--I believe..... Still you've known, There's so much more to find--Another dream, another love you'll hold. Still you know To trust you own true mind. On your way--you are not alone There are those who still know. Now they'll walk on my arm through the distant night And I won't let them stray from my heart. Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light. I will read all their dreams to the stars. I'll walk with them now, I'll call on their names I'll see their thoughts are known Not gone-- Not gone-- They walk with my heart-- I'll never let them go. I'll never let them go. I'll never let them go. You watch me. Just watch me. I'm calling I'm calling--And one day all will know.
I've been having a pretty bad week so far. So I took a walk today for an hour around the upper west side. By myself. That's how it's got to be. Sometimes, when I'm upset Or there's something that's bothering me--Or many things--I walk as much as I can until I get exhausted. I think it's one of my personal therapies that I've discovered for myself. But today was different. I began to feel like something wasn't the same. With me. With the atmosphere. With my attitude about City. Living here for many years now, I lost all excited, hopeful, and passionately wild feelings about the City. But today, I felt like there was something else to be discovered. It was something beautifully nostalgic and part of the person I once was. Almost like I began to regain some of the spirit that inhabited me in middle school. My love and passion for life. My excited feelings about the countless possibilities of City and all of what and who it had to offer me. TO BE CONTINUED
I've been having a pretty bad week so far. So I took a walk today for an hour. By myself. That's how it's got to be. Sometimes when I'm upset Or there's something that's bothering me-Or many things-I walk as much as I can until I get exhausted. I think it's one of my personal therapies that I've discovered for myself. But today was different. I began to feel like something wasn't the same. With me. With the atmosphere. With my attitude about the city. Living here for two years now, I lost all excited, hopeful, and passionately wild feelings about the city. But today, I felt like there was something else to be discovered. It was something beautifully nostalgic and part of the person I once was. Almost like I began to regain some of the spirit that inhabited me. My love and passion for life. My excited feelings about the countless possibilities of city and all of what and who it had to offer me. TO BE CONTINUED
After almost a year of singing in ve and continually getting frustrated and mad and accomplishing nothing, I think I had forgotten how brilliant, and how moving, choir can actually be. How a hundred and fifty voices can somehow blend into one pure tone. How pianissimo can be a hundred times more powerful than fortissimo. How amazing things can be accomplished if everyone is devoted to the group, and not to their own voice. Watching mixed choir was absolutely incredible, and every second of it had us all captivated. My favorite part, though, was their last gospel song because of one person--not because of his voice, but because he performed with SO much passion and expressed his emotions with his entire body--it's like he radiated joy and it infected us all, because watching him all I could do was grin, and want to laugh and cry at the same time, because it was such a beautiful scene..... He honestly gave me some hope in our world, made me think maybe things aren't so messed up after all. And of course breaking out the 'Soulja Boy' dance in rehearsal was pretty memorable too. Haha.......
What an experience. I knew it was going to be vocally inspiring, but had no idea how much fun we'd have along the way, Or how close we'd get. I think music is one of the most powerful things that we can share, and this was something that every single person was passionate about. Especially choral music--there is something special about of singing. Only at All--State can you burst into song walking down the hallway, and no one thinks it's weird--people around you either are preoccupied with their own bursts of song, Or jump right in and kick up a nice harmony to yours. Only at All--State can you be sitting in the hotel room with four guys and happily decide to sing vocal exercises and broadway songs together until after midnight. Only at All--State can you casually mention that the acoustics in the stairway are good, and immediately everyone around you starts testing it out, guys and girls, Men and Women alike. ...........TO BE CONTINUED
Not being able to control your emotion very well..... that's something about you that bugs me alot..... seems to me that you have depression.... of course~~ I hope that's just a little upset.... but it's really starting to get to a stage that you can't get yourself out of negative feeling.... which I think is very serious...... as I think pulling yourself out of sadness at the right moment is vital. Sometimes involve family...... money, work~~ whatever it is...... guess we need to have a more positive mind..... It's not about things repeating and having troblems again and again. Or how I see this is how we cope with it. Anyway, calm your soul. I should do the same.
.......Can't take it. It's not even hurting them, just you. It's not lying, just hiding the truth, but you can't take it anymore. The process of the emotional breakdown has begun. Don't know where to turn, Or who to turn to. No one can be trusted these days. Nothing of yours is important to them anymore. No one views you as the same anymore. Everything has changed. You can't help but fall for their tricks and games. You vs Life. Play your battle, as long as you win it.............
Last night I have been so reminiscent! CC and I talked for what seems like forever, but it was probably just because we haven't talked in so long. It has been so such a joy to look back on the last several years of my life and laugh and love all the precious, sweet memories that I have shared with my wonderful friends. I am still making memories, but I am starting to really feel the heaviness of friends leaving and a season of life ending. I can't bear the thought of saying goodbye to people, especially knowing that seeing them again is slim. How do you deal with that? I don't know........
So I don't know whether I'm okay Or not. Right now it just feels like I've gone into that "cutting off memories" mode my brain likes to use to keep me cheerful all the time. But either way, it doesn't really matter. I've got a week left. so all this noise won't reach the ear's it's meant for. So I've just sort of reached this state of disattachment, where it sort of feels like I'm already gone rather than living through my last week. I won't be changing anything, not beginning anything new Or ending anything old. I'll just let it sit for the next four months and see how things stand in the fall semester, since I know four months can change everything. Hopefully, by that time, one of two outcomes I'd like will happen, but if not, Oh well............
And that's when I realized that sadness and pain really is inevitable--it will be present at every moment of your life. It just depends on how much importance you decide to give it. On how much you decide to let it overtake your life and rule the person who you are. Maybe I have changed since middle school, even though it's only been two years. Maybe I was right in thinking that I've become a bit more cynical and jaded. Maybe I was right in thinking that I've lost a little bit of faith. But, no matter what I think, underneath my past experiences and the people I once knew and loved.....and lost......underneath all those things that follow me wherever I go--all that pain I carry with me--I will still ALWAYS be me. Sometimes, I guess, it's just eacy to lose yourself in the the clutter and the accumulation of sadness and experience and wisdom. What made me really realize that was when I looked up from finding "Those You've Known" from Sring Awakening on my iPod just in time to see Tim fly past me with his dog. I was shocked and in wonder that the two of us, who haven't seen each other since my Sophomore year of middle school, just happened to walk past each other at the same exact moment in time, on the same exact street, on the same exact of the sidewalk. What are the chances of that? And I looked at him--and I'm not joking about this--a huge gust of wind blew through the air, he stopped, and turned around and proceeded to walk a little ways behind me......and I was suddenly filled with this feeling--this familiar emotion. The same youthful, hopeful, excited emotion that, at one point, I wore on my sleeve day and night. I still believe that someone up there was sending me some kind of reminder. A reminder of myself. Of who I once was. Who I've been wishing I could become again. And of who, I realized, I still am. I'm a true believer in the fact that our souls never die, and they never change drastically during our lifetime. I think that we are who we are from birth. And that maybe we go on this life journey of experiences and meet certain people who affect us, not to figure out who we are. Because I think we already are everything we're ever going to be from the very beginning. I think we are mace to go through all those things to first, show us who we are--maybe that's what it actually means when people say they want to discover, Or find, themeslves--so that we know and understand ourselves--and second, for whoever created us and our souls to explain to us why we were made to be the person that we are. I think that's why we're all given a role in society and in our families and our lives. And I think that's why people are constantly trying to define who they are by what career they choose. I think we're all just looking for a reason as to why we are who we are and why we, being the person we are, are here on earth. As if to find out why we were given the souls, Or selves, that we were. I lost myself a lot here. Especially lately. But every now and then, I'm shown something that reminds me of my original self--the self that I will always be. And even though I may have lost some of my faith in certain things--and lost a little bit of myself on occasion--over time, the one thing I will always have faith in is that there will always be reminders of who I am everywhere I look. Because, even if they don't appear in person every once in a while on the street with their dog, they will still always walk behind me wherever I go. Those you've known, And lost, still walk behind you. All alone, They linger till they find you. Without them, The world grows dark around you. And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you. Those you've pained. Maybe carry that still with them. All the same, They whisper:"All forgiven". Still your heart says, The shadows bring the startlight. And everything you've ever been is still there in the dark night. When the northem wind blows The sorrows your heart holds, There are those who still know--They're still home. We're still home. Though you know. You've left them far behind. You walk on by yourself and not with them. Still you know They will fill your heart and mind When they say there's a way through this. Those you're known, And lost, still walk behind you. All alone Their song still seems to find you. They call you, As if you knew their longing--They whistle through the lonely wind, the long blue shadows falling. All alone But still I hear their yearning Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning. The stars too They tell of spring returning--And summer with another wind that no one yet has known. They call me--Through all things--Night's falling But somehow I go on. You watch me, Just watch me. I'm calling From longing When the northern wind blows The sorrows your heart's known--I believe..... Still you've known, There's so much more to find--Another dream, another love you'll hold. Still you know To trust you own true mind. On your way--you are not alone There are those who still know. Now they'll walk on my arm through the distant night And I won't let them stray from my heart. Through the wind, through the dark, through the winter light. I will read all their dreams to the stars. I'll walk with them now, I'll call on their names I'll see their thoughts are known Not gone-- Not gone-- They walk with my heart-- I'll never let them go. I'll never let them go. I'll never let them go. You watch me. Just watch me. I'm calling I'm calling--And one day all will know.
