I've learned..... {2}

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for how we become. I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight. I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to. I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I've learned that it takes years to bluid up trust and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I've learned that if you don't want to forget something. stick it in your underwear drawer. I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret, it could change your life forever. I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most holes in them. I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to them. I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love. I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life. I've learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self--control. I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them the most. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can erase emotional pains. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned that although the word "LOVE" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used. I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

I've learned..... {1}

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important, it's what they do about it. I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides. I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I've learned that it's lot easier to react than it is to think. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words, it may be the last time you see them. I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you. I've learned that sometimes I just need to be held. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take it's place. I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice. I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don'tknow how to show it. I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score. I've learned that my best friends and I can do anything or nothing and have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance, same goes for true love. I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned that you should never tell a child her dreams are unlikely or outlandish. I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again.. Families aren't biological. I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. ........................TO BE CONTINUED

One love.... {1}

I've kind of given up being discreet on this thing. I realize it doesn't really help me at all. I think I kept a blog because of a desire I had to let people know me. I'm afraid of this though because it, in a certain way, exposes my vulnerability. It exposes my thoughts, my emotions and my weaknesses and I'm in a way afraid of this. I don't really like to tell people what's going on in my life, except for the really close ones. These days though, the really close ones are so far away. I guess I don't really care about feeling weak anymore. This blog, I guess, helps me in times like these. That said, it's been hard these days. Sometimes I don't know what to do when the most important person in my life is crying over the phone and the only thing I can muster up the words to say is that~~"I'll be there for you". I don't really know what to do or what to say but to tell her that I'm there for her. It doesn't help that in a way, I'm part of the problem seeing as I only see her weekly and soon, even far less than that. What do you do when your shelter needs a refuge? I miss her more than I can put into words. It's never been this hard for me to be apart from someone, mostly because during the school year, we spent a great deal of our time together. I saw her every single day and we slept in the same almost as frequently, Then, all of the sudden, she's gone. It's kind of like swimming in a pool, when it starts off, you're a little a shy and you stay in the shallow water where you can still touch the ground. Slowly though, the more comfortable you get, you swim deeper. Soon, you're the farthest one out there, you're in the deep end. The ground is 20 feet below you while you swim happily at the surface. Then the water suddenly disappears and you take a 20 foot free fall to the ground below. We have similar struggles, about the stuff mentioned in my lost post. Different, but similar. However help remedy despair. Whether it's holding the door open for an elderly woman, giving a 50% tip to the guys at the indian curry stand, donating half my paycheck to "Chinese earthquake victim funds", Or forsaking the requirements of my tele--marketing job by not constantly prying for money when the prospect has to use their funds to help their grandfather going through chemotherapy, there's some sort of silent, anonymous hope in helping others. A mutual hope. Though completely different walks of life, in this one, brief moment together, whoever it may be, we're best friends. We're brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers to each other. While I wrote this, there's a middle aged man outside the coffee shop I'm in. He's sipping his coffee and doing something on his laptop while his dog is tied up next to him {I don't know what kind. I'm a dog person really. It's cute though.} A couple of kids with their mom came up to him and apparently asked to pet the dog. The children fell in love with the man's pet, they stayed for maybe five minutes. When the mom told them it was time to go, they both gave the dog a hug, as if their own. The four of them, the man, the mother and the two children, were for a brief moment family. Their smiles proves this. This is the hope that I believe in and nobody can take this from me. I believe in a mutual love hidden in humanity, waiting to be exposed. I know there are those that don't even those who forsake this and will treat such acts of kindness with hostility. Despite this though, I believe they'll not keep me away from my hope, from my kindness and most importantly, from my love. And if my one, true love is miles away, I'm gonna make it with the love of the family that surround me, Every Day.

To the World......

"To the world you are one person..... but to one person you could........ Mean the World". If you miss her. Ever if you think she's mad. She'll be happy to hear from you. If she meant a thing to you, txt her to let her know she's on your mind. If you miss her voice, call her. If she was like your best friend, someone who you could talk about anything and be comfortable, don't let her slip away. She's one in a million. Don't ever take the one you love for granted. Don't let these chances slip away. If you're not on talking terms anymore... if she says she hates you. She doesn't completely mean it. She's just saying that to keep herself away from you, as you were no good to her. But she loved you nonetheless. People always want to change their man..... Don't think of it as a bad thing. If you're a bad person, why not appreciate from help from someone you love? If you're out all night losing thousands of dollars at the casino, she's stopping you because she doesn't want you all your hard work to goto waste. If you're a bad friend, she wants to help you be better... She only wanted the best for you, and only the best. She will always have a spot in her heart for you. but 'DO NOT' take advantage of that. Don't be a jerk and be all "Oh, I've got her hooked, she'll always love me no matter what. I can do whatever the tuck I want". Because one day, she will forget about you because you've hurt her so much. because she's had enough. If you have that attitude towards her then all she'll remember is your stubborn. attitude and the amount of care you showed. Which is minimal. It'll make her forget all the good things you did, all the good times you had. Time passes by, and people change. Soon you'll just be a faint memory if not already completely forgotten. When she's deleted all your txts, all your emails, when she's going a week without thinking of you, Your voice she adored is slowly being forgotten..... everything. That's when you're too late. You should have appreciated her. You made me realized that despite that we have our busy lives. Trying to juggle with our own time. friend and family time. You always try to squeeze in 5 min for me. Even if you're busy studying, or when we're out partying with our friends. You would gimme a txt or a phone call. Even when you're tired you still wana talk to me for 2 min. Sometimes I laugh at you. Cuz you're such an idiot...... Calling me up at 12am "Waking me up" Just to talk for 3 min BEFORE you have to go Cuz you're sleepy It makes me go.... shoulda just want to sleep. Instead of keeping both of us up for 3min But none the less, it's always nice knowing to have someone to check up on you. Lol you're so much fun to be around. But you always piss me off. You made me realized, if someone really care for you. They would squeeze in 2min just to talk to you right before they go sleep. After a busy/ tiring/ happy/ miserable day. Or a 2min phone call during their study break. You'll be on their mind, maybe not constantly. But for sure you'll be in their mind, you'll be the person They think about when they're bored. Person they call when they're depress Perhaps they think about when they close their eyes.

How does one become important.... {7}

86} "I'm an outsider by choice", she said. "But I'm hoping that won't be my choice forever. I've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me of who I'm supposed to be. so it's easier to remember who I am". 87} So, I stand in the sun and I breathe with my lungs. Trying to spare me the weight of the truth. Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror and you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever. And now you're laying in a bathtub of freezing water wishing you were a ghost. 88} Remember one morning getting up at dawn. there was such a sense of possibility. You know that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself. So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occured to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then. 89} I'm throwing away pictures. That I never should have taken in the first place. And it's cold in my apartment. As I'm changing all the colors. From the brightest reds to grays. 90} And I'm taking all your memories off the shelf. And I don't need you or anybody else. So take a look at me. See what you want to see. When you get home. 91} And I'll be here by the ocean. Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams. All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes. And every waves drags me to sea. I could stand here for hours. Just to ask God the question. "Is everyone here make--believe?" With a tear in His voice, He said. "Son, that's the question?" Does this deafening slience mean nothing to no one but me? 92} I am humbled in this city. There seems to be an endless sea of people like us. Wakeful dreamers. I pass them on the sunlit streets. In our rooms filled with laughter. We make hope from every small disaster. 93] I will always remember, it was late afternoon and I've seen you before. You were always the cold one, but I was never sure. You were all by yourself staring at a dark gray sky. No one would find all of your feelings deep inside. It was then that I realized that forever was in your eyes. the moment I saw you cry. 94} It's a cold, cold world out there. You'll fall flat on your face a couple of times. You'll make the same mistakes over and over, wondering what the hell you're doing wrong. You'll start to wonder if it's best to check out early. I'll say. "Suicide is the coward's way out". And you'll reply. "But, I never said I was brave". We are both sitting, waiting patiently. 95} I'm on the fast track to never really learning to love. It's like holding your breath. Just to spite your lungs. 96} Honestly, if I'm honest with myself. I've cried myself to sleep. Crying out, "Oh, God, Where are you? Can you hear my scream way up there. Through the clouds, in heaven? Do you even care?" And honestly if I'm honest with myself. I hate the song they sing. It's like salt on an open wound. But I can't get it out of my head. 97} How sad. This is what your life has been reduced to. A single room apartment containing no more than a mattress. The strings have been removed from the blinds and all the outlets have been painted over. The television is streaked with blood from your knuckles as you were trying to punch it out. But you underestimated it's strength. Or maybe you just weren't trying hard enough. Startled by the knock at your door. you rise for the first time in two days to answer. But you can only greet the visitor with one short statement. Hello, my name is Distance and I really don't care if I ever wake up again. 98} The hardest things to say are the words that mean the most So I'll bite my tongue till it bleeds and I doubt you'll even know. The easiest things to fake are feelings to fool someone else. 99} It's so nice sitting very still, in a room where no one else can feel the pain that breaks my heart each day. I'm not okay. Sunlight shining through my window lets me know that I'm still alive. 100} If you seek pleasure in pain and comfort in the rain and having an open heart and you can't sit through a class, your head is half up in the clouds. If dark days and bright nights make your world turn, you may be lonely, but you're not alone. ~~~~~~~THE END~~~~~~~

How does one become important... {6}

71} There are good nights and there are hard rides. There are a million things to think about when you give up getting high. Limited sight came back to tired eyes and we watched the city lights. Fight brightly with her will to stay alive. Everything is gonna be alright. 72} How did it get so late so soon? It's night before it afternoon. December is here before it's June. My goodness how the time has flown. How did it get so late so soon? 73} May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, the foresight to know where you're going. and the insight to know when you've gone too far. 74} I am finding out that maybe I was wrong. I've fallen and I can't do this alone. Stay with me, this is what I need. please? Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you. We could sing our own but what would it be without you? I am nothing now and it's been so long. Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope. This time I will be listening. 75} You say you're looking for happiness but when it comes, you run away from it. You tell yourself you don't deserve it. There's not much more that I can do now, the rest is up to you. Until you love yourself, you'll never change. You'll keep on running until you deal with today. 76} The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home. 77} You may feel alone when you're falling asleep. And everytime tears roll down your cheeks. But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet. Someday you will be loved. 78} Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground. And start new when your heart is an empty room. With walls of the deepest blue. 79} Holding onto patience, wearing thin. I can't force these eyes to see the end. If only time flew like a dove, we could watch it fly and just keep looking up. 80} Dead--Like a candle you burned out; spill the wax over the spaces left in place of angry words. Scream--To be heard, like you needed any more attention; throw the bottle. break the door, and disappear. 81} Next year, I'll be holding on to anything nailed down. As for being patient, with fate and all. It's getting old and my mind is slowly changing. I'm calling all my oldest friends saying, "Sorry for this mess we're in". And I'm waiting, waiting. For the sun to come and melt this cold, wash away the pain, and give me back control. 82} All I hear are street sounds, you're out like a light. The fan spins counter clockwise, TV is on low, kitchen light is breaking the night. I need you to please talk to me, cause I'm not tired. The hardest part of being with you is being alone. 83} In a show of hands, who has said these words before? And in a show of hearts on the floor, who has ever meant them more? Well I'll swallow my pride if you'll stay for the years, and watch me spin circles as I disappear, and hearts, they don't lie, they just quiver in fear, as you say. Tonight we forget everything and we stay the night. If I was wrong then I'm sorry, I'll stop this fight, for the night, and this empty space left on the seat to my right. where you should be says a lot. Don't let it say goodbye. And today I know, that tomorrow will shine again, golden. and bring our hearts back home. And today meant nothing. because you're gone, and I swear that this meant everything to me, because my hearts not home. 84} We're all lonely for something we don't know we're looking for. How can you explain the curious sentiment that goes around feeling like we're missing somebody we've never met? 85} The place I used to live made me feel like a tourist. I couldn't co-exist with the cold and suspicious. When the last remaining light was starting to filter. It seemed the perfect time to step into the future. ..........TO BE CONTINUED

How does one become important.... {5}

61} I have left these shores to face the tempest night. That stirs the stars against the waters with it's storms. The sirenssing their song. It's like a thousand hands that pull me down and break the course I travel on. The ocean fills my lungs, drowning out the sun. It's rising in my lungs, I can't breathe. 62} "I think that's what I find most strange about this world is that nobody ever says how they feel. They hurt, but they don't cry out. They're happy, but they don't dance or jump around. And they're angry but they hardly ever scream. Because they feel ashamed. Nothing's worse than that. So we all walk around with our heads looking down never look up and see how beautiful the sky is". 63} I know it's pitiful but this medicine says I'll never feel again but I'll still monitor your heart rate to calculate your health even when it's keeping me from sleeping because it's beating for someone else. Well, if bitter is all I can be. I'd rather not be at all. 64} Just like ships, we float through each other's lives, through the waters of beauty and grace. We will one day dock at the same port, and give rest to our weary legs. 65} When panic grips your body and your heart's a hummingbird. Raven thoughts blacken your mind, til you're breathing in reverse. Your friends and sedatives mean well, but make it worse, Every reassurance just magnifies the doubt. Better find yourself a place to level out. 66} Take one last breath. Open up your eyes, this is all that's left. Your beating heart will soon have nothing left, and then you'll know the pain of love's regret. It's okay, you're fine. I swear that you won't feel the sting. You never felt anything. 67} Heavenly Father, helps us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children. Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19--year--old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester. Remind us. Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares. Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week. this will be the last year that they go shopping together. Heavenly Father, remind us each day that of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love, It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive. show patience, empathy and love. 68} I'm sitting in a room, made up of only big white walls and indoor halls. There's people looking through the window. though they know exactly what we're here for. Don't look up, Just let them think there's no place else you'd rather be. You're always on display. For everyone to watch and learn from. Don't you know by now, you can't turn back. Because this road is all you'll ever have. 69} I'm watching your eyes move slowly Up and Down my silhouette. And I wonder if you get it yet. This is the last time I crawl away on these broken knees. And don't you wish it all would be okay? 70} She has a fear of heights. the way you feel when you're leaving on your first flight. She's like a sinking stone. fading from the surface. but we are never alone. She's on a fightrope, losing balance. yet something's pulling her towards hope. I want to run to her,but I've already played that card, so I will fight the urge. Eyes closed, fingers crossed; praying that she's lost...... You'll never know what's around the bend. "Avoid the unknown" is ringing in your head. She has a fear of love, accepting everything but what she really dreamed of. She keeps her heart locked; no she won't ever answer even though she hears a knock. But love is at the door, and after all isn't that what we are here for? ........TO BE CONTINUED

How does one become important.... {4}

46} Smile. Let everyone know that today you're a lot stronger than you were yesterday. 47} Look at life through the windshield, and not the rear-view mirror. 48} I don't know how to speak for anyone but myself. You see darling, there's nothing I can say that will save you anyway. 49} "It's happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want. and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. and so you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on". 50} Cause it's not over till it's over. Every ending's a new beginning. One more chance to get it right. One more chance to get it wrong. It's not over till it's over. Sometime's nowhere leads to somewere. And it all starts again in the end. 51} "I wrap my arm around myself and look up at the stars. The sky is filled with them. There are more stars to see than the sky tonight. I think about how I used to look at a sky like this and it would make me feel small and insignificant. And tonighr, as I look at the stars. I realize that I am starting to know my place among them". 52} And there's that one moment, the one moment when you've figured out how much you've really let go. how much you've grown. It takes you back a step and makes you think. It's that moment when you can't look back. Yet you can't seem to look too far into the future. It's that moment when you realize you're living for yourself and no one else. 53} I'm reminiscing about good times and rewinding all these songs. It feels like just yesterday you were lying in my arms. Listen to my words, I'm just trying to be strong. But I have to face the truth and realize that you're gone. 54} I'm amazed that while there are people you can see everyday and not say a word to. there are other people whom you can see once a year, or once in life, and say anything. 55} In order to move on. You must know why you felt the way you did and why you no longer need to feel it. 56} You don't need anyone to tell you who you are or what you are. You are what you are. 57} "Love can come when you're already who you are. when you are filled with you. Not when you look to someone else to fill the empty space". 58} "I mean, both of us are trapped inside something. like mirror images of ourselves and each other. She's trapped inside her loss, inside everything that's missing from her life, trying to breathe in a vacuum. And me? The opposite--I'm trapped inside everything that's given to me. handed to me, placed on top of me, as I try to breath under a thick pile of expectation. Her future had been dismantled under her, and mine was constructed over me. And neither of us has a way of escaping. Unless maybe we do--I think the most hopeful moment of my life was when we were in the Chip and Dale costumes, holding hands while we danced in a circle, and I could hear her laughing a little bit inside there, could barely see her through the mesh, and I laughed just because she was, just because we were dumb and she didn't know the routine and we were just winging it, winging the whole thing. and I kept thinking. We're in here.....hidden. If only your life were a costume, and you could just take it off when you wanted to, leave it hanging on a hook, and walk away". 59} "It's funny, really, all the ways we tell ourselves every day that things are going to be okay. That things are going to get better, or that things can't possibly get any worse. We all have these elaborate mechanisms to take care of our disappointments, our sadness, our pain. We build these walls around ourselves, placing bricks between us and everyone else, telling ourselves that we're just protecting ourselves, just staying safe. Sometimes the bricks are easy to see, hard things that you bump up against when you try to touch someone. Sometimes they're subtle. A slight turn of the head. a fast good bye. a faraway look in the eyes. Sometimes I wonder why Disney never took to Rapunzel, why they never tried to take that story and put it on lunch boxes and in video stores and on pink sweatshirts Maybe it's that some fairy tales don't need to be computer animated. Maybe Randy Newman doesn't need to sing their songs. Maybe some fairy tales don't even really need to be hold. because they live inside of us, scaring us with their witches and their evil spells, making us wonder if maybe this time the prince won't come in time, the princess won't wake up. and maybe for once there won't be any happily ever after. Maybe some fairy tales are just too scary to even think about". 60} I've been living in slow motion for two days shy of four months. and my critics are the best friends I swear I knew once and in the end I guess I really never was enough. ........TO BE CONTINUED

How does one become important.... {3}

33} It's great that you can listen and be a shoulderto someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder? What if they need the arms or something like that? You can't just sit there and put everyone's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. 34} I know you feel alone yeah, no one else can figure you out but don't you ever turn away from the ones that help you down. Well they'd love to save you don't you know they love to see you smile. but these colors that your shining are surely not your style. 35} Please understand, I can't do this. 36} I'm alone, on my own. and that's all I know I'll be strong. I'll be wrong. oh but life goes on, I'm just a woman. trying to find a place in. This world, A place in This World. 37} Sometimes, two hearts just can't dance to the same beat. 38} Change; we don't like it. we fear it. but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying. But heres the truth; the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh..... sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is....everything. 39} "Cause you're a little bit too nice, I look a little bit like hell cause I'm a little overtired and I'm a little overwhelmed. And you're a little bit too late and it's a little bit too soon. And I'm a little bit too strange for somebody like you". 40} There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, deep contrition. and of unspeakable love. 41} "You could see the magic we all had that day. The magic that comes with the force of a mission, lit with a fine and rare energy. The magic of purpose and of love in it's purest from. Not television love, with it's glare and hollow and sequined glint; not sex and allure, all high shoes and high drama, everything both too small and in too much excess, but just love. Love like rain, like the smell of a tangerine, like a surprise found in your pocket. We were all part of that". 42} A question. a photograph, a statement. a story, a struggle, a chance to laugh. because if you if you don't laugh, you cry. a last cresendo when you die. so hit the rewind button and listen. It's the playback; the soundtrack to your life. 43} Sometimes the feelings we start to have again are the same feelings that never really went away. 44} There's some things I regret. some words I wish had gone unsaid, some starts that had some bitter endings. There's some mistakes that I have made, some chances I just threw away, some roads I never should've taken, some pages turned. some bridges burned, but there were lessons learned. 45} It's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you and it just hits you all over again--the truth about forever. ............TO BE CONTINUED

How does one become important..... {2}

16} I love sleep. My life has this tendency to fall apart when I'm awake. 17} It's like feeling homesick all the time..... for a place that doesn't exist. 18} Just because I look like I'm doing bettter, doesn't mean I feel any better. I'm getting better at dealing with it, and better at hiding it. But I want you to know. It still hurts the same, or maybe worse I need you to know that I don't want people to make excuses for me because I have depression. But it would be nice for somebody to recognize how hard it is to function day to day, It's so hard to put into words. 19} Things are getting to me. just how people are. How they always expect you to be a certain way. 20} I don't want to be perfect, I just want to be okay. 21} When you're dreaming with a broken heart, The waking up is the hardest part. 22} Sometimes I just wanna break down, quit putting on this act, playing this role of someone who's always strong. and before long. It's too late. I've become cold and distant, my thoughts are inconsistent. So I suck it up and more forward. I'm beginning to think I help others with their problems to avoid my own. screaming inside in the purest tone. I quit this time. I'll walk alone. 23] You enter and close the door behind you. now show me the world as seem from the stars. If only the lights would dim a little; I'm weary of eyes upon my scars. 24} I'm face to face with a wishing well pocketful of change but my hopes aren't for sale. 25} We become attoched to what's familiar and sometimes, we hold on to things that are safe and predictable. even if they are bad for us. 26} I know I say I'm just fine. but I hope you wonder from time to time. 27} She doesn't look, she doesn't see. Opens up for nobody. Figures out, she figures out. Narrow line. she can't decide. Everything short of suicide. Never hurts, nearly works. 28} I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. 29} You know, people always ask are you okay? But they're never really expecting the truth. Because the reality of the matter is, if I was okay. you wouldn't really have to wonder. 30} Sometimes you just can't tell someone how you feel. Not just cause you don't trust them. & not cause you think they will call you a freak. but cause you can never really find the right words to make them understand & it makes you frustrated. People take things 100 different ways & that's why it's so hard. 31} I just need something to happen. I need a sign that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope! And in the abscence of hope, I need to stay in bed a feel like I'm going to die today. 32} A couple of hundred years ago. Ben shaved with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow. he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off. but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection. Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision. because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers. heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Ben really meant, That knowing is better than wondering. that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure. even the worst, beat the hell out of never frying. ......TO BE CONTINUED

How does one become important? {1}

1} How does one become important? How does one start to make things right? What could I possibly try which someone else couldn't? I think it hurts, because I care so much. And yet I can do nothing. I feel helpless in the grand scheme of things. 2} Yesterday was a bad day. but it was better than today. but it took today being worse to realize that yesterday wasn't that had. 3} There's so much about me that you don't know & so much that you'll never understand. 4} She just needs a little help, to wash away all the pain she's felt she just needs to feel the healing hands of someone who really understands. 5} I guess everyone has their reasons for keeping people away. an instinct to protect yourself from getting hurt. It's part of human nature sometimes. 6} Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. 7} I don't know what to do anymore. nothing feels the same. I never see a smile in the mirror. I only see pain. pain beneath my soul, so deep inside of me there is no escaping it, no coming back to a normal state of mind, there's nothing I can do anymore. 8} Sometimes you just put one foot in front of the other, even if you don't know where you're going. 9} Sometimes despite our best wishes and intentions, fate wins. 10} Sometimes you realize. the secrets you try to hard to hide from everyone are the ones that are tearing you up inside. Sometimes you realize. It's not that you don't want to tell them. You just have no idea how. 11} Do you know what it's like to be alone every moment of your life? To force every laugh, and look around nervously to make sure they bought it. To hurt all the time, and know, it will never get better. Do you know what it's like to feel like your heart weighs a million pounds? No, so don't you dare judge me. Not for one second. 12} No one can see the pain that we hide. they're happy for us to keep it inside, our fear is our own; they don't want to know. Why should we involve them; Why should it show. 13} She's just a little upset. but she won't vent to anyone. her problems aren't important, and no ones listening anyways. She's crying inside, but hey, She's beautiful right? 14} and my hope like autumn is turning brown and I know it seems like, I'm always falling down. 15} I'm completely unconnected, constantly rejected like everything I've ever loved is coming down. I'm drawing in emotion in the middle of the ocean, never knowing when it's over and I'm going down. That's how I feel. .....TO BE CONTINUED

Mistakes....

I don't recall since when I start to observe things that happen throughout the day and think of writing it n my blog. It's become a natural thing, every subtle thing I try to capture. So let's cut to the chase, title of the day is mistake and let me elaborate. Drawings were issued as of yeserday and there should be no change. This morning boss mentioned there's usually a few days for the contractors to study the drawings before it really goes out. Thus. there's still some room for us to review again. So I sat down and take a close look for the complete set, at least for the part that I worked on as I never go through it since I pass on the markups to them yesterday. The more pages I flip through, I start to panic. Despite the misread of my handwriting, I found some mistakes made on my design. It may not be the end of the world as you'd imagine as you can always issue an addendum for change. But errors that I make may cause lives, in the worst case. Spent the whole day to flag all the errors on the drawing and hope we still got a chance to fix it before it really goes out. Totally drained by 4 as going through the drawings everyday for the past month. If it was a design error and we catch it, we can issue an addendum to correct it. What if it's a mistake in life you make? You don't get a second chance to make things right again. Even if you were granted the opportunity, things are no longer the same no more. I am not sure why I am bringing up this point, perhaps I've wronged or failed people in the past, given the fact whether I fixed it up or not. It's just a sudden thought I had, maybe I've failed or disappointed you enough times..... Moving onto something less serious, watched Juno myself tonight. A very reminiscent movie that really hit me. Made me think a lot, feeling mixed emotions. Perhaps I shouldn't say anything, somethings are better to be kept as a secret than disclosed, for the best interest of everyone. Let the past be past..... I love what the father said in the movie, although I've quoted it once before but I just want to restate it again. "In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with". Juno. Do I fully understand the true meaning of it? are you the "one"? if so, then why does it have to end like this. If not, then where am I going to find the "one"?... "If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed? If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head? If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life? If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my husband.

Emotional Rollercoaster....

It was supposed to be a beautiful smiley 'Thursday' but somehow I'm just feeling extremely bluey.... A day filled with a kind of unpleasant and heavy feeling.... Uncontrollable emotion just evoked in this beautiful Thursday... Perhaps, maybe is because these few days I have been withnessing how ppl sink into an emotional rollercoaster and how this negative emotion control their thoughts etc... This encounter had just somehow affects me...... I can imagine and comprehend how the process itself is already very painful.... Maybe I have been through these stages as well..... I'm just too sentimental at time......Whenever, I get to withness these process on others, it just somehow affect me...... affect my emotion too...... Just hope those who are not feeling well...... be well soon..... "Maybe try to look and think at how others are more unfortunate than us, will perhaps makes us feel better". Let's motivate one another K! Conquer negative thoughts...... Heal the world! We can make it one!

I believe he is the first friend....

I believe he is the first friend who knows our news from me. He is just a really caring and nice boy~~ I'm glad that we know a friend like him. He said you are tough, and you are brave to handle everything by yourself...... If he asks you, you're gonna say OK, duck ga lar to him. I dunno why you have to be this strong all the time...... everyone has their weakness moments...... You are just a human....... not an iron man. WHAT CAN YOU DO MORE...... Sorry about I am really emotional this week...... I thought myself can handle but I cannot. thanks for telling me about this. I am just a person that cannot hide anything inside of mine. in chinese says: "My skin is really thin". You are totally opposite. "Your skin is really thick" I hope that you won't push yourself so hard too. Life is always difficult, just depends on how you gonna handle. Please pray for my health, your dad's health. Your job can be stable.