我的最愛..

My older sister said...

I heard an interesting story a while ago on the radio, and it's stuck with me ever since.  Now that I'm maturing and trying to "fund myself" ,  this story has become more prominent in my life.  Here's how it goes:  One day I was feeling really down, and approached my older sister.  She listened to my problems, then brought me to the kitchen and boiled a pot of water.  She took out a carrot, and put it into the boiling water.  She pointed out that the carrot turned soft...  Then she took out an egg, and again put that into the water.  The egg, my older sister then observed, turned hard.  Finally, she took out a coffee bean, and immersed that into the water and immediately,  the water turned brown.  My older sister said: "You see, in life you have three choices, you can turn soft from your surroundings like a carrot,  you can turn hard like an egg, Or you can 'change' your environment like a coffee bean.  It's up to you what to choose,  but in life you should always strive to be a coffee bean".                                                           I don't think I realized it before,  but I totally let my surroundings control me in the past.  I would always agree with everyone else,  never make my own decisions,  and sort of blend in with the background.  I wasn't really me.  After hearing the story.  I discovered what a fool I was.  I can be me.  I can show my true colours,  and have people still love me.  Hence, my road towards becoming a coffee bean.  (First Step, a session on the tanning bed;  So what are you, a carrot, hard-boiled egg, Or coffee bean)?

Answers & Questions…

   Is it ok if you kiss people when you're single?  Sure, as long as you don't take it way overboard kiss in moderation, people...                                                What were you doing at 8:oo this morning?  Sleeping & probably dreaming.                                                 Who and what was last text message you received? My best friend she said "hey" or something of the sort.        How do you feel about the person who texted you last?Bf.                                                                         Do you like your life as of now? eh...                          How's your heart lately?  Fine.                                 Where did your last hug take place?  In the airport.     Are you a jealous people? I'm not.                              Are you tired right now?  Bored is more like it.             Who was the last person to leave a voicemail ?  I don't know!                                                                    Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? No.    Do you like to cuddle?  Sure.                                     Do you cry easily? Yes!                                              Do you have any siblings? I have four sisters & two brothers.                                                        What  should  you be doing right now?  Writing the damn story.                                                      Are you a heavy sleeper?  Not really.                   When was the last time something bothered you?  Last night.                                                               Where was your default picture taken?  My room.    Do you think you can last in a relationship forever? I would think so.                                                 Do you like country music? No.                            Are looks important? Yes.                                     Have you ever had someone sing to you? Kind of.     Disappointed? Eh.                                                Do you believe in love? I guess.                         What makes you laugh no matter what?  Rob & big.  Who was the last person you talked to? My best friend. Will you get married? Maybe...                                Are you happy with yourself?  I'm trying to be. I can edit pictures well, I write amazing stories, I take amazing pictures, and I'm a fun person.                   I should be happy right? Ugh.                                  Would you change yourself for the person you love?  Yes. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Warm.               How much money do you have on you? Very little...      Where will you be in an hour? Here.                          Will you ever kiss the last person you kissed again? Blah.                                                                     Where are you right now? My room.                          What are you wearing? Clothing.                              What is the last reason you cried?  I don't know.        What/who woke you up today? Nature and a stupid dream.                                                                       When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? Last night.                                             Have you done anything you regret in 2008 so far? I don't think so.                                                    Where is your best friend? Diana.                           Who was the last person to make you laugh? I don't know.                                                                      Is there any emotion you're trying to avoid right now? Yeah, sadness.                                                          Did you know that peeling a wrapper off of a bottle, means your sexually frustrated? No it doesn't jackass. Who was the last person to call you?  My older sister.  Are you excited for winter? Kind of.                       Do you wear makeup every day? No...                                                                                                                                                                                            

Why Women will always look older Than Men?

   Put one male and one female together, both aged 40 years, amd what do you get? You will probably find that the majority of men will look much younger than the women.       This is because men secrets slightly more sebum (oil) on the skin than women, making them sweat more, and allowing them to produce more hair growth (hence why they are also so sexily hairy in many areas).  Therefore, the majority of men are oily skin types, and this is another reason why men have more acne problems than women do; excessive sebum is produced on the skin due to the influence of the hormones.  The pores of the skin will become blocked with sebum and combined with sweat and bacteria.  It is the perfect condition for the growth of acne. It looks like people with only skin are the worst case scenario for women.  But you are wrong.  In fact, people with oily skin have by far a better future than any of us because they have the ultimate benefit; they do not age quickly!  So for women who are very age conscious and have nightmares of premature aging, oily skin is what you need!                They may have acne problems and their face is constantly shiny, but at the some time, their skin is actually constantly nourished with the skin's self-produced natural oil 'subum"Along with moisture balance, it will never become dehydrated or dry,  and you do not want to go there.  I shall explain why:’"People with oily skin"~~ generally have thicker skin layers, allowing them to store much more fat, nutrients in the subcutaneous layer of our skin, and adequate water in our Papillary Layer (also known as the "Water Tank" layer).  In comparison a person with dry or dehydrated skin will have thinner skin layers and is therefore unable to store such mass deposits.  Think of it this way; our skin has several layers.  We all have the same amount of layers,  but the difference is that the size of these layers vary for different people with differentskin types.         "The Fibroblast cells in our skin help to make proteins"~~ such as Collagen for strength), and Elastin (for the elasticity of our skin).  It is also these cells which play a critical role in wound healing.  As we grow older and our skin ages with us it will become dry because our sweat glands become less active.  The reason for skin becoming visibly aging with wrinkles is because of the fall of Elastin fibres.  Our skin will become thinner, easily damaged, and the skin's ability to heal itself will decrease.  Therefore, those who have dry skin will age more quickly as their skin is already thin, dry, and/or dehydrated.  As a result,  their skin appears with more wrinkles and fine lines earlier than expected.                  This is why one of the main advices from traditional parents is to find a man at least ten years older than you. Why?  Because when you hit forty, you won’t be crying when people ask you "So who's this man you have not yet introduced us to?  Your little brother?"  Please don't worry.  There are many ways to help promote a better skin condition and to fight premature aging.  As always,  and I stress this all the time:take good care for your skin.                                 Even if you have normal, or "perfect" skin, and feel that you need not do anything to it,  abandoning your skin can cause your skin to change and to lack in moisture, resulting in dry or dehydrated skin.                                "Skin can change"     Dose it bother you that women age more quickly than men?  Do you think you'll take this into account when picking a significant other?  How do you prevent aging quickly?

Cover Boy

One..

I've kind of given up being discreet on this thing. I realize it doesn't really help me at all. I think I kept a blog because of a desire I had to let people know me. I'm afraid of this though because it, in a certain way, exposes my vulnerability; It exposes my thoughts, my emotions and my weakensses and I'm in a way afraid of this. I don't really like to tell people what's going on in my life, except for the really close ones. These days though, the really close ones are so far away. I guess I don't really care about feeling weak anymore. This blog, I guess, helps me in times like these. That said, it's been hard these days. Sometimes I don't know what to do when the most important person in my life is crying over the phone and the only thing I can muster up the words to say is that "I'll be there for you". I don't really know what to do or what to say but to tell him that I'm there for him. It doesn't help that in a way. I'm part of the problem seeing as I only see him weekly and soon, ever far less than that. What do you do when your shelter needs a refuge? I miss him more than I can put into words. It's never been this hard for me to be apart from someone, mostly because during the school year, we spent a great deal of our time together. I saw him every single day and we slept in the same almost as freguently, Then, all of the sudden, he's gone. It's kind of like swimming in a pool. when it starts off, you're a little a shy and you stay in the shallow water where you can still touch the ground. Slowly though, the more comfortable you get, you swim deeper, Soon, you're the farthest one out there, you're in the deep end. The ground is 20 feet below you while you swim happily at the surface. Then the water suddenly disappears and you take a 20 foot free fall to the ground below. We have similar struggles, about the stuff mentioned in my lost post. Different, but similar. However, I've found that simple acts of kindness help remedy despair. Whether it's holding the door open for an elderly woman, giving a 50% tip to the guys at the indian curry stand, donating half my paycheck to Chinese earthquake victim funds, or forsaking the requirements of my tele-maketing job by not constantly prying for money when the prospect has to use their funds to help their grandfather going through chemotherapy, there's some sort of silent, annoymous hope in helping others. A mutual hope. Though completely different walks of life, in this one, brief moment together, whoever it may be, we're best friends. We're brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers to each other. This is the hope that I believe in and nobody can take this from me. I believe in a mutual love hidden in humanity, waiting to be exposed. I know there are those that don't, even those who forsake this and will treat such acts of kindness with hostility. Despite this though, I believe they'll not keep me away from my hope, from my kindness and most importantly, from my love. And if my one, true love is miles away, I'm gonna make it with the love of the family that surround me, every day.

"Love ~~ Conference"

So nice to be with you!!! You have teached me what's right & what's wrong.... I never know those before you told me. Plz let know more, in the rest of my life. Thank you, my dearest. You're my adoration & admiration. Yesterday, there was an argument happened between us..... I was really really sad, angry, frustrated & disappointed about that.....however, I deserved it...., wasn't it? This's the first time I cried in front of him.... Sorry that I'm not mature enough to hold my tears then, it's so embarrassed to do such thing at restaurant, Sorry for bring you troubles... Nevertheless, plz be thoughtful..... I can't pretend that I didn't care at all...... it's an important thing between us. I realized that you were in bad mood as well, I should be calm, said some gentle words to comfort you and let you lean my shoulder. So, we have talked about this for almost 3 hours today, and everything is alright now, I am now relaxed after this "conference" I was quite regreted that I performed mad just now..... but it's really a good way to express my feeling and work all my negative emotions off Finally, you have time to hear me now... plz be patient to sasa pang, okay? We both have advantages & shortcomings... but I am confident that we must be able to overcome those......well, it's still need some time....in my opinion, it's not necessary to force yourself to change too much...... as time will tell, don't think too much. We will love each other more & more in the future, don't think? my love.

Why....?

Why is life so... Why are people always changing. and if you don't change with the people that mean the most to you. Things aren't going to be same. You can't get that time back. How do you know who you are if your always changing. How do you know your going out with the right person for you. And all the ups and downs. Urgh... You can always tell how much you love someone by how much they can "hurt" you. at the end of the day. you can either "focus" on what is "tearing" you apart or what's "holding" you together. I think the "hardest" part about this "situation" is "neither" of us "know" what's going on. "neither" of us knows what the other is "thinking" & we're "both trying" to make "decisions" based on the "information" we don't "know". Always seem to be on the run, We haven't spoken in so long. We can't get past the how are you. We're not talking like we used to. One of the "hardest" moments in life is deciding whether you should "give up" or "try harder". I "believe" that we are who we "choose" to be. "Nobody" is going to come & "save" you, you've got to "save" yourself. "Nobody's" going to give you "anything". you've got to go out & "fight" for it. "Nobody" knows what you "want" except for "you" & "Nobody" will be as "sorry" as you if you "don't" get it. so don't give up on your dreams. Life is about "trusting" your "feelings" & taking "chances", "losing" & "finding happiness". Appreciating the "memories" & "learning" from the "pain" & "realizing" that "people" always "change". Although you may not "love" me, although you may not "care". if you shall ever "need" me, you know that "I'll be there". you "love" may all be "taken", your "heart" may not be "free". but when your "heart" is "broken", you can "always" lean on me. I'll never stop "loving" you, I "know" because I tried. all the oceans in the "world", can't hold the "tears" I've cried. Sometimes you have to "test" someone, "not" because you don't "trust" them, but to "see" how much they will "sacrifice" for you & "sometimes" you have to let them "go". "Not" because you "suddenly" stopped "loving" them, but to "see" if they "love" you enough "to come back". You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened could've, would've happened......or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on. My heart keeps telling me "hold your ground, you'll never learn a thing if you bail out now". Take out the photo albums, set aside the tissue box. today, she's not afraid to look back on her mistakes; today, she realized just how strong she is. We're in this age, when people do things and it hurts everyone around them. We're in this age when people aren't secure with themselves. I'm tired of being afraid to live my life. As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. it's not that we don't want to, but too much has happened and we can't. I can't say how I feel. Life changes, you get it all lined up just the way you like it & then something beyond your control comes along & bumps you off center. How nice it would be if you could get everything just the way you want it & say, "Okay, now, stay", But nothing stays the same. You grow up, make friends, lose friends, go to college, lose track of people, meet new ones, & sometimes you ask yourself why. But all I can tell you is the every single experience you go through like this changed you in some way. Every new person who comes into your life changes you Every moral dilemma or emotional experience you come up against changes you. It's your job, you decide how. That's how character is developed. I still miss you, sometimes. And that's okay. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through YOUR eyes. P.S... Kung Hei Fai choy

Well guys, you have all be so...

Well guys, you have all be so amazing and so supportive right now and I can't even thank any of you enough for your prayers and comments and everything. I'm gonna try something new right now. I've been listening to alot of music and such, it's kind of an escape. So my posts are gonna be lyrics from songs I like. I want you guys to comment with requests for themes you want to see, like love songs, or songs by certain artists:) 01} I'm creeping your way and these sheets aren't stoping me Because I'm gonna meet you face to face and I'm gonna start from your waist up through your navel and we're approaching such a place. "Navigate Me--Cute Is What We Aim For". 02} Love can fade, can break away Can be forgotten, you might lost faith. But don't throw it all away, cause you're afraid "Forgotten--And Then I Turned Seven" 03} I can feel her on my tongue Shes the sweetest taste of sin The more I get the more I want She wants to own me. Come closer, she says "come closer" Closer--Ne Yo. 04} And if I don't come home tonight. Just know I tried my best to fight. Please don't think I plan to lose to the bright, My heavy soul can't stand the light. It burns me straight to the bones, my bones Cue The Sun--Daphne Loves Derby. 05} Quiet landslide when nobody knows Regretted decisions that nobody chose Under water and sinking fast No way out, no way to get back What might have been is lost in the past Just Give It Time--John Mclaughlin. 06} I guess it's only right to give someone what they need. Even if it's nothing they ever wanted in the first place. I've been with my own to eyes the hurt and pain. That love causes that's why I won't let you go. Down that road to emotional overdoes If I had her again everything would be alright But nothing's alright and nothing's okay, When you live in a memory. A Farewall to Friendship--A Change Of Pace. 07} I know you didn't Bring me out here to drown So why am I feet under and upside down Barely surviving has become my purpose Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface Storm--Lifehouse. 08} I don't walk right, not like I used to There's a jump in my step as I rush to see you I could be happy here as long as you're near to me. As long as you're close to me. Goodbye Apathy--One Republic. 09} Hello world Hope you're listening Forgive me if I'm young For speaking out of turn There's someone I've been missing I think that they could be The better half of me. They're in the wrong place trying to make it right. Come Home--One Republic. 10} You say hello, inside I'm screaming I love you. You say goodnight in my mind. I'm sleeping next to you. You drive away from my car crash of a heart And I don't know. Mixtape--Butch Walker. 11} And I say baby, yes, I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too Sorry--Maria Mena. 12} I've run out of complicated theories, So now I'm taking back my words and I'm preparing for the breakdown Your t-shirt's lost its smell of you And the bathroom's still a mess. Remind me why decided this was for the best. 13} If roses are meant to be red And violets to be blue Then why isn't my heart meant for you. 14} And I'll fly solo into my loner love While you walk and play it safe Aren't you scared I'll leave Do they mean more than me. 15} And I need to know Will you stay for all time. Forever and a day.

life has reached an interesting stage for me....

As most of you know, I'm all about internalizing my emotional state in real life, and whining about it on the internet in some vague, half--assed way that makes me seem like a whiny woman. And really, the stuff I whine about has all happened in the last.....say year or so. Yep. Four years of repressed emotions. No wonder I'm emotionally screwy, eh? But I've reached a point where masking what I'm feeling is becoming more and more difficult. I show my frustrations at work. I admit to things not being perfect. It disturbs me a little. A lot, really. I know, I should feel as though I can talk to my friends. And I do feel that I can. I just choose not to. In my head, they all have enough issues, they don't need mine. I do that at work, too. People ask me to do something, and I do it, because I know I can multi--task hardcore. So I never say "Look, I have too much to do already, I can't do this for you right now". I should, though. I might have made someone a little angry at me because I refuse to do that, and have absolutely no good reason for that. I've also discovered that part of my issue is that I don't feel in sync with the world as it is. I feel.......understand. I want some kind of huge turbulence in life, something to shake the foundations of everything to radically alter the world. Dinnes thinks I just want that for my life. He's perfectly right, too. Which is why I think about moving to the other side of the country a lot. I'm also confronted by the fact that there are days I feel positively ancient. Several people have told me that I'm an old soul {though I'm not sure where my beliefs, such that they are, fall in regards to that}, and maybe that's why. .........I totally lost the direction I was going. I guess that the point is that part of why I hate my life is that it doesn't seem right to me. It doesn't seem to fit me. I feel like I should be some where else, doing something different. I think this feeling is why kids my age join the Armed Services. My brother was thinking about doing that, and off and on, I've contemplated the possibility. I can almost assure you that it won't happen, though. So, I come back to a change of scenery. I'm not at a financial or emotional point where I can leave, but I'm getting close on both counts. A few loose ends to tie up, a few months to save, and I could go wherever I wanted. I have a lot going through my head right now, and almost none of it makes sense, but that sticks out like a clarion bell: leave it all behind and start fresh. Or maybe just need to get all fuxxxd up and cry for three hours, smoke a pack cigarettes, and deal with it. I'm very avoidant emotionally, I think, and maybe that is a big part of it too. I'm grasping at straws right now with an exhausted mind, so this may make no sence. We'll see, now won't we?