Why....?

Why is life so... Why are people always changing. and if you don't change with the people that mean the most to you. Things aren't going to be same. You can't get that time back. How do you know who you are if your always changing. How do you know your going out with the right person for you. And all the ups and downs. Urgh... You can always tell how much you love someone by how much they can "hurt" you. at the end of the day. you can either "focus" on what is "tearing" you apart or what's "holding" you together. I think the "hardest" part about this "situation" is "neither" of us "know" what's going on. "neither" of us knows what the other is "thinking" & we're "both trying" to make "decisions" based on the "information" we don't "know". Always seem to be on the run, We haven't spoken in so long. We can't get past the how are you. We're not talking like we used to. One of the "hardest" moments in life is deciding whether you should "give up" or "try harder". I "believe" that we are who we "choose" to be. "Nobody" is going to come & "save" you, you've got to "save" yourself. "Nobody's" going to give you "anything". you've got to go out & "fight" for it. "Nobody" knows what you "want" except for "you" & "Nobody" will be as "sorry" as you if you "don't" get it. so don't give up on your dreams. Life is about "trusting" your "feelings" & taking "chances", "losing" & "finding happiness". Appreciating the "memories" & "learning" from the "pain" & "realizing" that "people" always "change". Although you may not "love" me, although you may not "care". if you shall ever "need" me, you know that "I'll be there". you "love" may all be "taken", your "heart" may not be "free". but when your "heart" is "broken", you can "always" lean on me. I'll never stop "loving" you, I "know" because I tried. all the oceans in the "world", can't hold the "tears" I've cried. Sometimes you have to "test" someone, "not" because you don't "trust" them, but to "see" how much they will "sacrifice" for you & "sometimes" you have to let them "go". "Not" because you "suddenly" stopped "loving" them, but to "see" if they "love" you enough "to come back". You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened could've, would've happened......or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on. My heart keeps telling me "hold your ground, you'll never learn a thing if you bail out now". Take out the photo albums, set aside the tissue box. today, she's not afraid to look back on her mistakes; today, she realized just how strong she is. We're in this age, when people do things and it hurts everyone around them. We're in this age when people aren't secure with themselves. I'm tired of being afraid to live my life. As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. it's not that we don't want to, but too much has happened and we can't. I can't say how I feel. Life changes, you get it all lined up just the way you like it & then something beyond your control comes along & bumps you off center. How nice it would be if you could get everything just the way you want it & say, "Okay, now, stay", But nothing stays the same. You grow up, make friends, lose friends, go to college, lose track of people, meet new ones, & sometimes you ask yourself why. But all I can tell you is the every single experience you go through like this changed you in some way. Every new person who comes into your life changes you Every moral dilemma or emotional experience you come up against changes you. It's your job, you decide how. That's how character is developed. I still miss you, sometimes. And that's okay. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through YOUR eyes. P.S... Kung Hei Fai choy

Well guys, you have all be so...

Well guys, you have all be so amazing and so supportive right now and I can't even thank any of you enough for your prayers and comments and everything. I'm gonna try something new right now. I've been listening to alot of music and such, it's kind of an escape. So my posts are gonna be lyrics from songs I like. I want you guys to comment with requests for themes you want to see, like love songs, or songs by certain artists:) 01} I'm creeping your way and these sheets aren't stoping me Because I'm gonna meet you face to face and I'm gonna start from your waist up through your navel and we're approaching such a place. "Navigate Me--Cute Is What We Aim For". 02} Love can fade, can break away Can be forgotten, you might lost faith. But don't throw it all away, cause you're afraid "Forgotten--And Then I Turned Seven" 03} I can feel her on my tongue Shes the sweetest taste of sin The more I get the more I want She wants to own me. Come closer, she says "come closer" Closer--Ne Yo. 04} And if I don't come home tonight. Just know I tried my best to fight. Please don't think I plan to lose to the bright, My heavy soul can't stand the light. It burns me straight to the bones, my bones Cue The Sun--Daphne Loves Derby. 05} Quiet landslide when nobody knows Regretted decisions that nobody chose Under water and sinking fast No way out, no way to get back What might have been is lost in the past Just Give It Time--John Mclaughlin. 06} I guess it's only right to give someone what they need. Even if it's nothing they ever wanted in the first place. I've been with my own to eyes the hurt and pain. That love causes that's why I won't let you go. Down that road to emotional overdoes If I had her again everything would be alright But nothing's alright and nothing's okay, When you live in a memory. A Farewall to Friendship--A Change Of Pace. 07} I know you didn't Bring me out here to drown So why am I feet under and upside down Barely surviving has become my purpose Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface Storm--Lifehouse. 08} I don't walk right, not like I used to There's a jump in my step as I rush to see you I could be happy here as long as you're near to me. As long as you're close to me. Goodbye Apathy--One Republic. 09} Hello world Hope you're listening Forgive me if I'm young For speaking out of turn There's someone I've been missing I think that they could be The better half of me. They're in the wrong place trying to make it right. Come Home--One Republic. 10} You say hello, inside I'm screaming I love you. You say goodnight in my mind. I'm sleeping next to you. You drive away from my car crash of a heart And I don't know. Mixtape--Butch Walker. 11} And I say baby, yes, I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too Sorry--Maria Mena. 12} I've run out of complicated theories, So now I'm taking back my words and I'm preparing for the breakdown Your t-shirt's lost its smell of you And the bathroom's still a mess. Remind me why decided this was for the best. 13} If roses are meant to be red And violets to be blue Then why isn't my heart meant for you. 14} And I'll fly solo into my loner love While you walk and play it safe Aren't you scared I'll leave Do they mean more than me. 15} And I need to know Will you stay for all time. Forever and a day.

life has reached an interesting stage for me....

As most of you know, I'm all about internalizing my emotional state in real life, and whining about it on the internet in some vague, half--assed way that makes me seem like a whiny woman. And really, the stuff I whine about has all happened in the last.....say year or so. Yep. Four years of repressed emotions. No wonder I'm emotionally screwy, eh? But I've reached a point where masking what I'm feeling is becoming more and more difficult. I show my frustrations at work. I admit to things not being perfect. It disturbs me a little. A lot, really. I know, I should feel as though I can talk to my friends. And I do feel that I can. I just choose not to. In my head, they all have enough issues, they don't need mine. I do that at work, too. People ask me to do something, and I do it, because I know I can multi--task hardcore. So I never say "Look, I have too much to do already, I can't do this for you right now". I should, though. I might have made someone a little angry at me because I refuse to do that, and have absolutely no good reason for that. I've also discovered that part of my issue is that I don't feel in sync with the world as it is. I feel.......understand. I want some kind of huge turbulence in life, something to shake the foundations of everything to radically alter the world. Dinnes thinks I just want that for my life. He's perfectly right, too. Which is why I think about moving to the other side of the country a lot. I'm also confronted by the fact that there are days I feel positively ancient. Several people have told me that I'm an old soul {though I'm not sure where my beliefs, such that they are, fall in regards to that}, and maybe that's why. .........I totally lost the direction I was going. I guess that the point is that part of why I hate my life is that it doesn't seem right to me. It doesn't seem to fit me. I feel like I should be some where else, doing something different. I think this feeling is why kids my age join the Armed Services. My brother was thinking about doing that, and off and on, I've contemplated the possibility. I can almost assure you that it won't happen, though. So, I come back to a change of scenery. I'm not at a financial or emotional point where I can leave, but I'm getting close on both counts. A few loose ends to tie up, a few months to save, and I could go wherever I wanted. I have a lot going through my head right now, and almost none of it makes sense, but that sticks out like a clarion bell: leave it all behind and start fresh. Or maybe just need to get all fuxxxd up and cry for three hours, smoke a pack cigarettes, and deal with it. I'm very avoidant emotionally, I think, and maybe that is a big part of it too. I'm grasping at straws right now with an exhausted mind, so this may make no sence. We'll see, now won't we?