Smooth....

I realised how not smooth I am when I found my tongue tied up when I'm near the man I would like to hit on, because nothing I say seems to catch him attention. It might be because the woman that he possibly likes is always hanging out with him. but I think that is just an excuse on my behalf, to be honest I realised how not smooth my fds and I are when one of my best fds/drink buddy goes on a date and made out with his date. and then he told her "Sorry, I wanted to do that for the last 30 minutes" maybe alcohol played a bit in that, and maybe I shouldn't have just typed that, but still, I do not think I would have done any better if I were her. let alone the fact that I do not have anyone I could bring to a nice resturant. don't take me wrong, that man is lovely, he's cute, funny. likes drinking and talks about generic guy stuff {keep your minds clean}. Maybe he just has more experience--Or I just need to go out with someone soon and gain these experience points. admitting your problem is the first step to rehabilitation, is not? I used to affiliate songs with mans that I have had a crush on and upon playing an old CD in my car a few familiar songs popped up, bringing back memories. Yet they were not as strong as they used to be. maybe stone--hearted, forgetful, Or simply just over them. they only time where I think ignorant is not a bliss.

Infinity...... {2]

I have become disgusted with the human race; their lack of morality and their search for universality. I used to think the law was just. But I don't buy that anymore. And I wonder why God would make it unjust. I wonder if there is punishment Or rewards awaiting the end. And I doubt it. I see it as a movie, which you observe your faults and triumphs, I have a conscious that kills myself everytime I do something wrong. I worry constantly about others, myself, and views. I am considerate, yet selfish. I am human. But why are some flawed more than others? Is anything really sinful? Why am I so against certain things and not others? Why do things like this happen? A reason for everything~~~~ My path away from this place was just paved over in gold. There was no other option. Perfection? Well maybe not perfection. but definitely good. Despite the phone calls to reconsider others, I still I am completely clear Not on the road after that preliminary destination. but completely set on the first stop. An offer I could not refuse. Who doesn't want to live in Hong Kong? Well I certainly want to. Certainty...... in one aspect of life has allowed my to focus all my frustration on others. Thank you for everything. I asked for signs and you gave them. A challenging interview, a follow up to apply, a deadline notice that I would have missed, a free trip. Words can influence the world, a nation, a person. What if I went to the press? Exposed your every flaw? Enraged the public? Would you deal with it then? Investigating life. Study every move. Act logically. Be someone of integrity. But, "Don't forget to breathe".

Infinity...... {1}

It is said that everything is a "learning experience....." and well I believe it. In the last couple of weeks I have fought against my instinct to "run away" and have forced myself to stand up for myself and for what I believe in. Passive...... No longer. I had no idea that when this all started it would be as complex as it has become. Simplicity is only present on the surface. A series of highs and lows; my emotions, our economy, life. Luckily the derivative is a little more stable. Power struggles...... The want for revenge. The Anger. The Rage. Are only softened by the tears, the clenching of fists, the screams. We always focus on something and it "consumes us". All of us. My mind runs over facts all day long, but it lingers on suspicions, fears, uncertainty. That is what kills us; "Uncertainty". "We might saw that we were looking for global schemas, universal and unchanging laws--and what we have discovered is the mutable, the ephemeral, the complex". I walked into Supermarket, last week with my sister and was utterly disgusted. Everything was the same, it was almost like I had stepped in the a Soviet market. I go to shopping mall and after I get over the initial shock of how wonderful it is I completely turn around and become completely sickened with it. Mass production.

Mom.....妳好嗎?

Mom 妳好嗎? 數數手指妳已走了11年, 還記得當晚接近凌時突然接到大哥由醫院打來的電話說: 媽咪要走了, 快趕來醫院. 我聽到後, 眼淚已不停淌下, 深怕來不及見媽咪最後一面.... 那時我剛放工回家, 洗澡後 換了睡衣不久, 接過電話後, 衫也來不及更換, 隨便穿上外套, 以及連鞋也不換, 穿上拖鞋衝落樓下搭 '的士' 到醫院, 在這短短的車程中, 我已忍不住放聲大哭了, 媽咪妳知嗎? 其實在妳要走之前幾天, 我已心緒不靈好幾日了, 一直睡得不好, 同時亦難以集中精神工作..... 這刻我才突然醒悟, 之前幾天所感到的不安. 或許就是所謂的先兆吧!!!! 趕到醫院後, 媽咪亦已陷入半昏迷狀態了,我不斷的呼喊 媽咪, 媽咪, 希望她能清醒過來, 知道我們各兄弟姊妹都在她床邊, 伴著她, 讓她再一次看看我們, 好讓她不用再為我們担心, 可了無牽掛地離開, 去一個不再有痛苦的地方... 媽咪妳在那邊的生活過得好嗎? 與爸爸團聚了嗎? 現在妳們又可以生活在一起了, 不會再感到孤單寂寞, 其實妳走後的11年時間裡, 直至今日我仍然不習慣沒有妳在, 妳知嗎? 因為妳的不在, 令我至今仍感不安,及 寂寞.... 毫無安全感地活著, 但請妳們相信我, 我會勇敢地繼續生活, 及將這傷痛平伏, 我一定可以做回一個快樂的人...... 繼續走我未走完的路..... 直至與妳們相見的一刻............... 細妹字.

Love is being a thousand miles away... and still be.... {3}

{11} These words, this heart have hurt a lot. I know I'm wrong, this will not stop. I've said so many things, a lot that I regret but words will be the death of me. Mark them now and hold your peace. {12} So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone. And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow. But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself, it is best to compose a poem, and honest verse of longing Or simple song of hope. {13} You don't always have to win your battles, but it's good to know you fought. [14} Someone is waiting. Someone who understands exactly how you feel. Someone is dreaming. Someone is hoping just that this would be the day. That you take your eyes off the ground & out of the blues & see that someone is looking right back at you. {15} Some days I can't stop thinking about you, & some days I don't know why I waste my time. {16} I think when you fall in love with someone, every day that you are around them. you fall in love a little more..... It's like you find some thing new to love about them every time you see them....... The way they laugh, the way the sneeze, the way they breathe, even the way they blink. That's what makes relationships last when all that beginning excitement disappers. {17} & no matter what happens Or how much time goes by I could never forget the first time you looked at me & I fell in love with your eyes. {18}I'm watching you from over the stars. Don't be scared. I know exactly where you are because there's piece of me and it's burning inside your heart. Even death could never tear us apart. {19} The real trouble with my sarcasm, is that half the time when people think I'm being sarcastic, I'm actually being quite sincere. {20} Once in a lifetime you meet a person who takes your breath away. Not because you want them to, but because they're meant to.

Love is being a thousand miles away.... and still be.... {2}

{8} I like cute guys. Not necessarily the hottest guy, but the one that's clumsy & crazy & always makes me smile. You know what I mean? Like he might not be 'Abercrombie potential', but he still has all my attention. No, not in the show--offy type of way, but in the I'm--totally--cool--with--who--I--am kind of way, Like he can smile at me & I know we were meant for this, for us. It would be like, he wouldn't always know what to say & when to say it, but he would want to. Because sometimes caring enough to try really is enough. And for us it would be. He'd be spontaneous, always doing something I would have never expected would make me fall in love. The kind that has an amazing family that you feel at home with. You know, the kind of guy that is your best friend but the only person you could ever see yourself with at the same time. He would love me for everything I am, for real, not just say it like everyone else always does. He would mean it & I wouldn't have to think twice to know he was telling the truth. And maybe we'd be exact opposites, but that what would make our relationship great. Working at it. Because without the work it wouldn't really be worth it. {9} This is the reason why I don't want to have a guy. A lot of guys out there put a bad name on us, running around all scandalous; have more respect than that! When you have a daughter, do you want her to be like you? I think it's nasty how some guys act in public. We are supposed to be ladies, not hoes. Have more respect for yourselves. {10} Every road that I've been down. the only truth that I have found there's only one thing I can't live without = You. ................TO BE CONTINUED

Hi!!!! My name is Happy....

Hi... 我係'Happy'呀! 大家好, 我係'Samsam' 老婆呀..... 我同'Samsam' 生咗個仔叫'小白' 遲D 介紹你們相識吧! 我個樣係吾係好懵呀? 媽咪係我第二任主人, 因為我的第一 任主人是一對情侶, 我跟他們一起生活都有好幾年, 後來他們感情破裂了, 不再一起生活下去, 更將養我的責任互相推卸, 當時我巳感到自己將會成為孤兒, 沒人會再愛我了. 不久我真的被送走.... 來到現在的家, 我還記得當時媽咪對我說的第一句說話: "Happy 由今天起, 你將會跟我們一起生活,這裡就是你重新開始生活的地方, 你不用怕, 從今天起妳不會再被遺棄, 這裡有哥哥, 姐姐與妳生活在一起... 妳不會再度感到孤單及寂寞了.......... 知道嗎?" 當天對我說的承諾, 媽媽亦一一做到, 我亦生活得很愉快, 我還與'Samsam' 結為夫婦, 更有了孩子~~'小白'. '小白'今年也3歲了, 我在這家亦生活了5年, 在此我充滿信心, 剩下來的日子會更加美滿........... 多謝媽咪!!!

Love is being a thousand miles away... and still be... {1}

{1} Love is being a thousand miles away..... and still be able to picture his eyes. Love is walking into a crowed room of people--and know he's in the room, because you get that feeling. Love is when you're lying in your bed at night falling asleep--and pretending he's lying right there next to you. Love is when he walks into the room--and you forget to breathe, your heart stops for that spilt second, you get that rush. Love is missing him--before he leaves. Love is never thingking you could have these kinds of feelings--and have them for him. Love is more than just butterflies--it's indescribable. {2} And all I know is I feel lost without you. "I miss you" just isn't enough. {3} Don't judge a book by it's cover, because what you find inside might be just what you're looking for. {4} She loves being with him, it's like she can finally be herself with him. That's what she's been looking for all this time. {5} Something's gotta give me butterflies. Something's gotta make me feel alive. Something's gotta give me dreams at night. Something's gotta make me feel alright. I don't know where it is but something's gotta give. {6} A pad of paper and a black ball--point pen she starts writing poetic words again. Words that fill the mind, the soul with comfort. Tracing through the lines of the scars on her ripped and torn emotions and soul. If she begins she may never begin to stop. She hopes there is enough paper to express what she's thinking & been I've feeling that way for quite some time now. {7} Lost in this moment with you. I am competely consumed, my feelings so absolute. There's no doubt. "Lost In a Moment=Brooks & Dunn "I think". ..................TO BE CONTINUED

一隻狼狗的故事

很久以前, 我家養了一隻狼狗叫Money.... 當時的我大約只有6-7歲, 牠很喜歡跟隨我, 每天牠都待在我的身旁, 無論我在做什麼..... 牠都總愛在我旁, 我做家課時, 睡覺時, 玩耍時牠都在. 媽媽常說Money就好像我的私人保鑣, 一見有陌生人走近我時, 牠都會即時走在我的前面, 擋住那人, 示警他人不要再走近..... 所以每每有牠在, 我便很安心, 可以全無後顧之憂地盡興, 玩至差不多時間時, 牠又會走到我的腳邊用口扯著我的衫尾或褲腳, 拉著我回家, 因晚飯時間到不得不回家了, 但每次我都愛與牠角力一番後,才不情不願跟牠回家..... 呢段日子, 成為了我童年回憶中最值得回味的事情.... 但不竟快樂的時光係有時限的, 終因一次我的樂極忘形, 做成了一件無法離保, 不能挽回的一件憾事, 導致我直到今日仍就此事無法惜懷, 每當想起仍然非常內疚及心痛不休. 那次我為拾回皮球, 沒有留意馬路情況,衝出馬路.. 剛剛有車經過, Money牠不顧一切, 奮力擋在我的前面, 救了我, 但可惜, 牠救到我的同時.... 牠亦失去牠最保貴的生命. 為了我.... 牠可連自己的性命也不要, 牠的盡忠, 與及犧牲自己去保護主人的偉大情操, 我想在動物界中, 狗狗應該最具代表性吧!!!! Money你好嗎? 我仍很想你啊................ 你永遠也活在我的記憶中, 永不忘掉你為我所做的事, 多謝你.

Determined....... {2}

I've always been "strong enough" for myself and my friends. Even when the only thing I want to do is cry I will pretend like everything is fine and act happy. I used to think that I could live with friends. That I could deal with all my problems and thoughts and emotions myself. That I didn't need everyone because I'm strong enough. But more and more recently I've been realizing that I'm not as strong as I thought....... and that I do need people...... and when I'm pushing them away is when I need them most. I am not always strong. Often I am tired and can't be as strong as I would like...... now I need to learn to start letting my help me when I'm not strong enough...... So, now I've made up my mind. I am determined that I will make it through everything that is happening..... and when I'm not strong enough I know that I have determined friends to help me...... I don't know who I am yet...... I'm still changing..... and I don't know what my future holds...... all that is still to be determined.....

人性

昨天看新聞, 今天看報紙, 都有報導一則 '少女被刧殺'的兇案, 案中的兇陡為了錢可以對一位不相識的少女落下如此毒手, 奪走一條保貴性命, 呢個係咩世界..... 更甚是兇手只有24歲, 為什麼呢? 24歲的青年人, 心理及生理應以成熟, 他亦應該明白要為自己所做過的事負責, 真的不明白, 他的人性何在, 良心何在, 莫非在他心目中 "把生命當作不是一件什麼大不了的事情" 毫無人性狠下毒手, 一點憐憫之心也沒有, 奪去她的保貴生命...... 真的想問問他, 究竟他在下手前有沒有過一刻的遲疑, 這不竟是一條保貴的生命, 他憑什麼可對別人的生命予取予求... 他的行為非常冷血, 亦全無人性可言, 他的良心何在, 巳埋沒了嗎!!!! 對於這種人, 應處於極刑, 對他不應侟有測忍之心, 真希望香港有死刑, 解決這些不佩擁有生命的人... 好讓他償受, 受害者面臨死亡時的懼怕,恐慌, 及讓他承受回, 他自作的惡果..... 為死去的受害者取回公道, 讓她可得到安息... 希望她的家人能盡快撫平創傷, 堅強地繼續生活下去.

Determined....... {1}

There have been a lot and I mean "A LOT" of things happening in my life lately that have been/are extremely hard for me to know how to handle and deal with and such....... most of the time I don't want to think about them because they hurt so much. I've lost two very close friends in the space of two months..... One just this week.... and this time it was because I've changed. I'm not the person I used to be...... I don't know who I am but I know I've changed...... but I realized that I've been sorta shying away and not accepting the fact that I've changed..... but it's time to embrace it with open arms. And be who I am. Not who other people want me to be. Yes, my future is full of things I can't see and yes at times it will be scary Or it might hurt but I'm tired of being here, where I am........ it's time to move on....... Secondly I've realized a lot lately that I've been blaming myself for a lot of things...... something that aren't even my fault Or aren't completely my fault...... and for something that I can't change. They are things I should have let go along time ago but instead I just keep blaming myself for them again and again and again..... not a healthy thing to be doing. I have very low self..... esteem..... have for years..... and now I'm beginning to see why. I need to forgive myself and let things go. Especially the things that aren't my fault Or can't be helped. That all ties into the next thing I've been thinking about....... Trust....... and how I often lack it. Not in God. My trust in God is fine. It's my trust in people..... it's like I'm always expecting people to hurt me Or disappoint me Or whatever...... and while that may happen. I'm missing out on all the great people out there who won't let me down and will always be there for me because I don't try to get to know them because I don't want to risk getting hurt. Anyways I've been trying to think of ways to change that...... and I've come to the conclusion...... as hard as it is to admit....... that I don't trust myself. And because I don't trust myself it spills over in to other areas of my life. I have a hard time trusting other people when I don't trust myself not to mess up Or ruin things. ............................TO BE CONTINUED

My Super Model........... Samsam

牠是我最鍾愛的小狗Samsam, 我很喜歡跟牠拍照. Why? 因為我覺得牠很上鏡, 在照片裹, 牠的表情非常豐富, 每次拍照後, 看回相片,也會帶給我很多意想不到的感覺, 有時很落寞, 有時很快樂, 非常多表情.... 牠的一舉一動, 每每為我帶來無窮無盡的歡樂..... 真的不敢想像沒有牠的日子會是怎樣....... 因為每當我開心或不開心, 牠也會在我身邊, 靜靜地守候在我身旁..... 每當我和牠說話時, 牠也會頭側側地望著我, 似懂非懂, 表情十分有趣, 真的令我哭笑不得...... 牠給予我的快樂, 實在有太多了, 這些生活點滴, 都會一一記在我心頭, 永遠也不會退色.... 永遠... 永遠..........!!!!!!!!

義太報恩~~ 奇蹟發生

昨天看新聞,地震八天後, 仍發現有生還者, 一位62歲的婆婆,被救出時身旁有2隻流浪狗伴著她, 全靠牠們婆婆才有命等到救援人員救出.... 在等待救援期間 2隻流浪狗不斷呔叫,像是發出求救訊號似的, 當她開始神智不清及有脫水現像的時候, 兩隻狗狗分工合作一隻舌舔她嘴唇好讓她能保持淸醒,及給予她水份, 另一隻亦不停舌舔她臉上的瘀血,更用呔聲與她說話,好讓她不覺寂寞.... 經過八日八夜後,終於獲救了..... 全靠兩隻狗狗對她不離不棄, 否則婆婆可能已經扺受不住, 繼而放棄求生意志了........ 在這仵事上, 又可以再一次証明狗狗真係好有人性,一到有難時, 就會不顧一切,耗盡牠們一切力量發揮牠對主人的愛... 守護牠的主人... 不離棄地守候在主人的身旁, 為了主人甚至可以犠性自己生命.... "在牠們眼中,妳是牠生命中的全部.... 亦是牠們的唯一, 所以人們絕對難以想像得到狗狗有多忠心及無私......." 在此我謹希望所有 有養寵物的朋友, 真的要好好愛護你們的寵物.... 因牠們也有生命, 牠們也有生存的權利.... 請尊重生命, 不要離棄你的愛寵........ 牠們將會用一生的時間來報答你們的...........

The Worst Fear Of All..... {4}

Seventh grade was my worst year. It was FULL emotions. I kept quiet except for one person. I'm glad I trust that person the most because she's also the only one of my friends who actually care about what I have to say...... Even if it's repetative..... Like A Lot. Sure there are certain times when they others seem to care..... well... 2 of the 3 seem to care. The other one has already lost my friendship pretty much. Really, all I ask of my friends is to be heard. But seriously. I love you! Thank you so much for being there for me. Thank you so much for listening to me vent. It is awkward for me to talk about some stuff still, and you know it too. but thank you for listening. I probably can never thank you enough. I am really going to miss you when we graduate. I hate being jealous. I know, I know there isn't anything to worry about, she doesn't have a chance, she's annoying......yeah, But still....... I can't help it, It disgusts me when she's all over him, It's so obvious........ Then, I think..... What if...... What if..... What if...... he....will like her back? She says they have a good relationship. She says he acts differently around her than other people. She says they talk about things. She says they have real conversations. She says she knows him in a way other people don't . What if..... it does...... happen? I know I've said that rather have him break my heart. I know I've said I rather move away...... but I've realized that I've pretty much fallen in love with him. Especially after that trip. I love being so close to him, getting to touch him even if it was just his hands on mine. I loved that I learned a little more about him. I loved how he looked at me. I'm going to miss everything. But she's in the way now. She's sitting next to him. She's trying to inch her way closer to him. I hate being jealous. It's such a waste of energy. Why can't I stop it though!

爸爸.....

今年對於我來說..., 是我由出生到現在 最黑暗的一年, 非常痛苦的一年.... 我的爸爸走了, 走得非常突然.... 短短三天時間, 甚至連說話也沒留下就走了, 爸爸我還有許多說話想對您說, 沒有您的日子時間真的不易過, 想起送您走最後一程的那天, 最後一次凝望您的遺容, 那一刻時間像似突然停頓似的.... 不停望著躺在棺木內的您, 心裡一直在想..... 一定要好好寄住爸爸的臉容, 爸爸一路好走啊!!!! 您巳為了我們 擔心了一輩子, 往後的日子, 我們會好好的生活下去....... 不用再為我們操勞...... 您亦要好好保重, 您若在途中遇見媽媽, 與媽媽團聚時, 請代我們向媽媽問好..... 爸爸, 媽媽我們將會永遠謹記您們的教導....... 您們常說: 養育我們不是為了防老, 只希望你們將來能夠生活開心, 做一個對社會有貢獻的人, 莫做對社會有害的事, 人生路是難行的, 每個階段都會不斷遇上挑戰, 這是成長中必須要面對的, 遇上了, 要努力去解決, 絕不可退縮, 總不會永遠付出的, 總會有收成的一天....... 這些都是您們教的.... 我們會好好記著.................. 再見了, 我們的爸爸, 媽媽

handsome boy!

The worst fear of all........... {3}

The next year, two of them moved away. Fifth grade, I was lost. Then one of my kindergarten friends pulled me into her arms. The two of us became friends with four other people. The six of us were always together. We all liked pretty much the same things. we all some of the same things. We had things in common. Then something happened. Some of us changed over one of the breaks, I think winter break Or spring. We all started arguing with each other. We all grew apart..... then finally it was just me and Bb. Until the end of sixth grade. That's when I became friends with some of the people I'm with today. Sixth grade and seventh grade "sigh" I was definitely closed up for most of those years. I knew people. It was great. I had people that I could have sleepowers with and hangout with if THEY called. I shared a few notebooks. I was okay because I had my best friend forever Bb. During the second trimester I remembered Bb started avoiding me and when I talked to her, she gave me one word/sentence responses. I didn't know what was going on....... so I dropped it. It went on for a month....... I started to panic. Then I talked to someone else {you're probably reading this} and she talked to Bb. She told me Bb was mad at me because I was talking about myself all the time and didn't care about her. She told me that the notebook Bb and I wrote in was only about me and not her. I was shocked. I was so angry. That's not me. I'm not that kind of person. Plus, it was a notebook. Of course I was writing about myself...... but I always asked her stuff. That year, I lost Bb....... but I gained a better friend. That was the year I started to trust people again. One is because people accepted me for me and also because once word got out about why Bb wasn't my friend anymore........ more people "took my side", {Oh, later that year, I learned that Bb was really just sick of me talking about a certain guy all the time}. ........TO BE CONTINUED

痛.......

你們痛嗎? 有否激動流淚? 是否為中國大地震死難者及幸侟者感到難過,心痛, 甚至能感受到5月12日災難發生後......滿目瘡痍,哭聲震天的情境.... 人的力量真的太眇小了, 大自然的強大力量永遠沒有人能夠遇計得到, 災難過後, 大地仿如歷經戰亂,天地渿黑一遍,眼前境況有如地獄,甚至不知自己是否仍然活著, 那種 "生不如死" 的感覺, 凡人又如何承受得起呢..... 在此我謹送上摰誠的裞褔.... 裞願刧後餘生的幸侟者能重新站起來,為巳遇難的親人, 勇敢地活下去........ 你們的痛..... 我們是感受得到的, 加油呀!!! 我們支持你們啊................ "Don't Give Up, God Bless China!"