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One..
I've kind of given up being discreet on this thing. I realize it doesn't really help me at all. I think I kept a blog because of a desire I had to let people know me. I'm afraid of this though because it, in a certain way, exposes my vulnerability; It exposes my thoughts, my emotions and my weakensses and I'm in a way afraid of this. I don't really like to tell people what's going on in my life, except for the really close ones. These days though, the really close ones are so far away. I guess I don't really care about feeling weak anymore. This blog, I guess, helps me in times like these. That said, it's been hard these days. Sometimes I don't know what to do when the most important person in my life is crying over the phone and the only thing I can muster up the words to say is that "I'll be there for you". I don't really know what to do or what to say but to tell him that I'm there for him. It doesn't help that in a way. I'm part of the problem seeing as I only see him weekly and soon, ever far less than that. What do you do when your shelter needs a refuge? I miss him more than I can put into words. It's never been this hard for me to be apart from someone, mostly because during the school year, we spent a great deal of our time together. I saw him every single day and we slept in the same almost as freguently, Then, all of the sudden, he's gone. It's kind of like swimming in a pool. when it starts off, you're a little a shy and you stay in the shallow water where you can still touch the ground. Slowly though, the more comfortable you get, you swim deeper, Soon, you're the farthest one out there, you're in the deep end. The ground is 20 feet below you while you swim happily at the surface. Then the water suddenly disappears and you take a 20 foot free fall to the ground below. We have similar struggles, about the stuff mentioned in my lost post. Different, but similar. However, I've found that simple acts of kindness help remedy despair. Whether it's holding the door open for an elderly woman, giving a 50% tip to the guys at the indian curry stand, donating half my paycheck to Chinese earthquake victim funds, or forsaking the requirements of my tele-maketing job by not constantly prying for money when the prospect has to use their funds to help their grandfather going through chemotherapy, there's some sort of silent, annoymous hope in helping others. A mutual hope. Though completely different walks of life, in this one, brief moment together, whoever it may be, we're best friends. We're brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers to each other. This is the hope that I believe in and nobody can take this from me. I believe in a mutual love hidden in humanity, waiting to be exposed. I know there are those that don't, even those who forsake this and will treat such acts of kindness with hostility. Despite this though, I believe they'll not keep me away from my hope, from my kindness and most importantly, from my love. And if my one, true love is miles away, I'm gonna make it with the love of the family that surround me, every day.
I've kind of given up being discreet on this thing. I realize it doesn't really help me at all. I think I kept a blog because of a desire I had to let people know me. I'm afraid of this though because it, in a certain way, exposes my vulnerability; It exposes my thoughts, my emotions and my weakensses and I'm in a way afraid of this. I don't really like to tell people what's going on in my life, except for the really close ones. These days though, the really close ones are so far away. I guess I don't really care about feeling weak anymore. This blog, I guess, helps me in times like these. That said, it's been hard these days. Sometimes I don't know what to do when the most important person in my life is crying over the phone and the only thing I can muster up the words to say is that "I'll be there for you". I don't really know what to do or what to say but to tell him that I'm there for him. It doesn't help that in a way. I'm part of the problem seeing as I only see him weekly and soon, ever far less than that. What do you do when your shelter needs a refuge? I miss him more than I can put into words. It's never been this hard for me to be apart from someone, mostly because during the school year, we spent a great deal of our time together. I saw him every single day and we slept in the same almost as freguently, Then, all of the sudden, he's gone. It's kind of like swimming in a pool. when it starts off, you're a little a shy and you stay in the shallow water where you can still touch the ground. Slowly though, the more comfortable you get, you swim deeper, Soon, you're the farthest one out there, you're in the deep end. The ground is 20 feet below you while you swim happily at the surface. Then the water suddenly disappears and you take a 20 foot free fall to the ground below. We have similar struggles, about the stuff mentioned in my lost post. Different, but similar. However, I've found that simple acts of kindness help remedy despair. Whether it's holding the door open for an elderly woman, giving a 50% tip to the guys at the indian curry stand, donating half my paycheck to Chinese earthquake victim funds, or forsaking the requirements of my tele-maketing job by not constantly prying for money when the prospect has to use their funds to help their grandfather going through chemotherapy, there's some sort of silent, annoymous hope in helping others. A mutual hope. Though completely different walks of life, in this one, brief moment together, whoever it may be, we're best friends. We're brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers to each other. This is the hope that I believe in and nobody can take this from me. I believe in a mutual love hidden in humanity, waiting to be exposed. I know there are those that don't, even those who forsake this and will treat such acts of kindness with hostility. Despite this though, I believe they'll not keep me away from my hope, from my kindness and most importantly, from my love. And if my one, true love is miles away, I'm gonna make it with the love of the family that surround me, every day.
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