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life has reached an interesting stage for me....
As most of you know, I'm all about internalizing my emotional state in real life, and whining about it on the internet in some vague, half--assed way that makes me seem like a whiny woman. And really, the stuff I whine about has all happened in the last.....say year or so. Yep. Four years of repressed emotions. No wonder I'm emotionally screwy, eh? But I've reached a point where masking what I'm feeling is becoming more and more difficult. I show my frustrations at work. I admit to things not being perfect. It disturbs me a little. A lot, really. I know, I should feel as though I can talk to my friends. And I do feel that I can. I just choose not to. In my head, they all have enough issues, they don't need mine. I do that at work, too. People ask me to do something, and I do it, because I know I can multi--task hardcore. So I never say "Look, I have too much to do already, I can't do this for you right now". I should, though. I might have made someone a little angry at me because I refuse to do that, and have absolutely no good reason for that. I've also discovered that part of my issue is that I don't feel in sync with the world as it is. I feel.......understand. I want some kind of huge turbulence in life, something to shake the foundations of everything to radically alter the world. Dinnes thinks I just want that for my life. He's perfectly right, too. Which is why I think about moving to the other side of the country a lot. I'm also confronted by the fact that there are days I feel positively ancient. Several people have told me that I'm an old soul {though I'm not sure where my beliefs, such that they are, fall in regards to that}, and maybe that's why. .........I totally lost the direction I was going. I guess that the point is that part of why I hate my life is that it doesn't seem right to me. It doesn't seem to fit me. I feel like I should be some where else, doing something different. I think this feeling is why kids my age join the Armed Services. My brother was thinking about doing that, and off and on, I've contemplated the possibility. I can almost assure you that it won't happen, though. So, I come back to a change of scenery. I'm not at a financial or emotional point where I can leave, but I'm getting close on both counts. A few loose ends to tie up, a few months to save, and I could go wherever I wanted. I have a lot going through my head right now, and almost none of it makes sense, but that sticks out like a clarion bell: leave it all behind and start fresh. Or maybe just need to get all fuxxxd up and cry for three hours, smoke a pack cigarettes, and deal with it. I'm very avoidant emotionally, I think, and maybe that is a big part of it too. I'm grasping at straws right now with an exhausted mind, so this may make no sence. We'll see, now won't we?
As most of you know, I'm all about internalizing my emotional state in real life, and whining about it on the internet in some vague, half--assed way that makes me seem like a whiny woman. And really, the stuff I whine about has all happened in the last.....say year or so. Yep. Four years of repressed emotions. No wonder I'm emotionally screwy, eh? But I've reached a point where masking what I'm feeling is becoming more and more difficult. I show my frustrations at work. I admit to things not being perfect. It disturbs me a little. A lot, really. I know, I should feel as though I can talk to my friends. And I do feel that I can. I just choose not to. In my head, they all have enough issues, they don't need mine. I do that at work, too. People ask me to do something, and I do it, because I know I can multi--task hardcore. So I never say "Look, I have too much to do already, I can't do this for you right now". I should, though. I might have made someone a little angry at me because I refuse to do that, and have absolutely no good reason for that. I've also discovered that part of my issue is that I don't feel in sync with the world as it is. I feel.......understand. I want some kind of huge turbulence in life, something to shake the foundations of everything to radically alter the world. Dinnes thinks I just want that for my life. He's perfectly right, too. Which is why I think about moving to the other side of the country a lot. I'm also confronted by the fact that there are days I feel positively ancient. Several people have told me that I'm an old soul {though I'm not sure where my beliefs, such that they are, fall in regards to that}, and maybe that's why. .........I totally lost the direction I was going. I guess that the point is that part of why I hate my life is that it doesn't seem right to me. It doesn't seem to fit me. I feel like I should be some where else, doing something different. I think this feeling is why kids my age join the Armed Services. My brother was thinking about doing that, and off and on, I've contemplated the possibility. I can almost assure you that it won't happen, though. So, I come back to a change of scenery. I'm not at a financial or emotional point where I can leave, but I'm getting close on both counts. A few loose ends to tie up, a few months to save, and I could go wherever I wanted. I have a lot going through my head right now, and almost none of it makes sense, but that sticks out like a clarion bell: leave it all behind and start fresh. Or maybe just need to get all fuxxxd up and cry for three hours, smoke a pack cigarettes, and deal with it. I'm very avoidant emotionally, I think, and maybe that is a big part of it too. I'm grasping at straws right now with an exhausted mind, so this may make no sence. We'll see, now won't we?
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