How does one become important.... {7}

86} "I'm an outsider by choice", she said. "But I'm hoping that won't be my choice forever. I've always liked the time before dawn because there's no one around to remind me of who I'm supposed to be. so it's easier to remember who I am". 87} So, I stand in the sun and I breathe with my lungs. Trying to spare me the weight of the truth. Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror and you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever. And now you're laying in a bathtub of freezing water wishing you were a ghost. 88} Remember one morning getting up at dawn. there was such a sense of possibility. You know that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself. So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occured to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then. 89} I'm throwing away pictures. That I never should have taken in the first place. And it's cold in my apartment. As I'm changing all the colors. From the brightest reds to grays. 90} And I'm taking all your memories off the shelf. And I don't need you or anybody else. So take a look at me. See what you want to see. When you get home. 91} And I'll be here by the ocean. Just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams. All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes. And every waves drags me to sea. I could stand here for hours. Just to ask God the question. "Is everyone here make--believe?" With a tear in His voice, He said. "Son, that's the question?" Does this deafening slience mean nothing to no one but me? 92} I am humbled in this city. There seems to be an endless sea of people like us. Wakeful dreamers. I pass them on the sunlit streets. In our rooms filled with laughter. We make hope from every small disaster. 93] I will always remember, it was late afternoon and I've seen you before. You were always the cold one, but I was never sure. You were all by yourself staring at a dark gray sky. No one would find all of your feelings deep inside. It was then that I realized that forever was in your eyes. the moment I saw you cry. 94} It's a cold, cold world out there. You'll fall flat on your face a couple of times. You'll make the same mistakes over and over, wondering what the hell you're doing wrong. You'll start to wonder if it's best to check out early. I'll say. "Suicide is the coward's way out". And you'll reply. "But, I never said I was brave". We are both sitting, waiting patiently. 95} I'm on the fast track to never really learning to love. It's like holding your breath. Just to spite your lungs. 96} Honestly, if I'm honest with myself. I've cried myself to sleep. Crying out, "Oh, God, Where are you? Can you hear my scream way up there. Through the clouds, in heaven? Do you even care?" And honestly if I'm honest with myself. I hate the song they sing. It's like salt on an open wound. But I can't get it out of my head. 97} How sad. This is what your life has been reduced to. A single room apartment containing no more than a mattress. The strings have been removed from the blinds and all the outlets have been painted over. The television is streaked with blood from your knuckles as you were trying to punch it out. But you underestimated it's strength. Or maybe you just weren't trying hard enough. Startled by the knock at your door. you rise for the first time in two days to answer. But you can only greet the visitor with one short statement. Hello, my name is Distance and I really don't care if I ever wake up again. 98} The hardest things to say are the words that mean the most So I'll bite my tongue till it bleeds and I doubt you'll even know. The easiest things to fake are feelings to fool someone else. 99} It's so nice sitting very still, in a room where no one else can feel the pain that breaks my heart each day. I'm not okay. Sunlight shining through my window lets me know that I'm still alive. 100} If you seek pleasure in pain and comfort in the rain and having an open heart and you can't sit through a class, your head is half up in the clouds. If dark days and bright nights make your world turn, you may be lonely, but you're not alone. ~~~~~~~THE END~~~~~~~