"Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away".~(Part 2)

(though I probably failed miserably). My spiritual walk was admittedly strong in the beginning of my senior year as a continuation of junior year habits, but they faded as the year progressed. Was the relationship a smack in the face to focus back on God and not on other human being of the opposite gender? What I learned from him is to not settle (even though I really felt like I wasn't settling at all.....). That even the strongest of Christians can commit the darkest of sins. That Christian men need to be leaders and know how to honor their sisters, as well as sisters must honor their brothers in Christ and encourage them to be holy. That modesty is one of the best forms of beauty. That we are blinded in a relationship no matter how much we think we "accept" their flaws. That I would rather live in chastity than have an adulterous lover. That is it hard to forgive, and harder to show it through actions. That trust, commitment, and communication are the top things for a relationship to work. And finally, my standards were raised even further. Admittedly, I am still struggling with thoughts and other internal issues with this last semi-relationship. I am still questioning why God put him in the place he is in my life and why can't I just forget him. If I could I would scoop out the part of my brain that contains all memories of him, blend it up, burn it, and flush the ashes down the sewer........just so I could stop torturing myself. Why does he have such a lingering effect? It is said that each year you date someone, it takes another six months to forget them. We didn't even date for half a year...... and it's been almost a year since we enveloped our feelings. So I am still wondering. If I focus strongly on God and put Him in the center of my life, will He truly give me an everlasting love when I least expect it? I know that takes quite a leap of faith and hope as well as I should stop looking for love and have it find me. Reviewing my past relationships, has love really found me? Yes, I do believe I loved another human in the past in a relationship sense. Did God keep His promises even before I knew of them? I want to say yes, but it's going to be out of "mind knowledge" rather than "heart knowledge". At this point of my life, am I ready to take on a relationship? Honestly, no. God knows that. I should stop being so "seeking" my freshmen year in college and just take that time to re-focus on Him. I cannot be given responsible for an intimate, romantic relationship until I am fully, wholeheartedly satisfied with the relationship I have between Christ and me. Quite truthfully........ it is hard, it is difficult, it is heart-wrenching to the point of tears and pain. But will it be worthwhile in the end? Do I finally get to live happily, ever after? God only writes perfect love stories. And to believe in that......well, takes a lot of faith. But am I only believing God just so I can end up with a good guy? Am I only believing in the means so I can have the benefits of the ends? I feel so bad "using" God that way. Another thing I was wondering is what would happen if I never dated. Would I learn the same experience from other's mistakes Or must I have to dive in first hand? Would I remain strong up until college Or would I crumble under the first seemingly honest man that came my way?????? P.S. "Whatever you think, just need to keep reminding yourself of that!!!!!" 'Stay Focused. I hope all are well'.