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What is a Grown up Relationship? Making Sense of Normal Relationship Development.1
By Heather Leavesley Romantic relationships, much like people, have a developmental lifecycle. We aren't often aware of where our relationships are in terms of their developmental stages, but being aware can be extremely helpful in interpreting the shifts in dynamics that occur over time between us and our partner. In a sense its true that relationships have a life of their own. Each developmental stage in the relationship has its own set of thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and developmental tasks. These relationship stages are analogous to childhood, adolescence, and adulthood in peoples developmental lifecycle. Youth The Honeymoon Stage The earliest, youngest stage of a relationship is an intensely romantic, passionate time. In this stage we feel so deeply connected that we become emotionally merged. During this stage, often called the honeymoon phase, we see our partners as being perfect and as completing us and saving us from experiencing old emotional wounds Or pain. Likewise they believe that were perfect and complete them. What could feel better than being with someone who thinks were perfect in every way, especially if we haven't received that kind of unconditional adoration at any other time in our lives!? "John Gottman", researcher and therapist who has studied couples for over 20 years, has found that couples who stay in touch with how they felt about each other during this honeymoon phase weather the inevitable relational storms better than couples who lose touch with their experience of this time. I think of the developmental task of young, romantic love as cementing the relationship and establishing a foundation that will support the relationship across the years, Adolescence The Disillusionment Stage The second stage of relationships begins when we start to recognize that our partners are imperfect human beings and that they don't complete us Or protect us from being emotionally hurt. In fact, they more often seem to target the very areas of emotional pain we expected them to save us from. At the same time they start to recognize that were not perfect and seem to be irritated Or angry with us about that.
By Heather Leavesley Romantic relationships, much like people, have a developmental lifecycle. We aren't often aware of where our relationships are in terms of their developmental stages, but being aware can be extremely helpful in interpreting the shifts in dynamics that occur over time between us and our partner. In a sense its true that relationships have a life of their own. Each developmental stage in the relationship has its own set of thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and developmental tasks. These relationship stages are analogous to childhood, adolescence, and adulthood in peoples developmental lifecycle. Youth The Honeymoon Stage The earliest, youngest stage of a relationship is an intensely romantic, passionate time. In this stage we feel so deeply connected that we become emotionally merged. During this stage, often called the honeymoon phase, we see our partners as being perfect and as completing us and saving us from experiencing old emotional wounds Or pain. Likewise they believe that were perfect and complete them. What could feel better than being with someone who thinks were perfect in every way, especially if we haven't received that kind of unconditional adoration at any other time in our lives!? "John Gottman", researcher and therapist who has studied couples for over 20 years, has found that couples who stay in touch with how they felt about each other during this honeymoon phase weather the inevitable relational storms better than couples who lose touch with their experience of this time. I think of the developmental task of young, romantic love as cementing the relationship and establishing a foundation that will support the relationship across the years, Adolescence The Disillusionment Stage The second stage of relationships begins when we start to recognize that our partners are imperfect human beings and that they don't complete us Or protect us from being emotionally hurt. In fact, they more often seem to target the very areas of emotional pain we expected them to save us from. At the same time they start to recognize that were not perfect and seem to be irritated Or angry with us about that.
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